The Colors of Friendship (Badge/Award)

- The Colors of Friendship Badge, gifted by ndpthepoetress - the owner of a beautiful blogsite dedicated to the creativity of writing and the mind.

I am to pass this token of friendship on to five deserving friends in the blogosphere so here goes:

1. Jim


2. Red Dirt Scribbler


3. Absolute Vanilla


4. Goatman


5. Princess Haiku

These are all bloggers whom I feel have that special sparkle of life, intensely in tuned with that magical something that exists between the heart and the mind.

***

Friendship to me happens when a spiritual connection is formed between two parties. This could be a thought unsaid but shared about something you each understood separately but intricately. This could also be conversation after conversation that is so well woven together that it brings you to new heights of discovery.

Nevertheless, this friendship can only become stronger length wise if both parties trust each other. This trust is the belief in the other's ability to make his or her own decision and then the knowledge that whatever they chose to do is the best they can do around their circumstance at each given time. Friends see the enormous potential in each other but understand and love who you are right now as well. This love is the all-encompassing one non-judgmental of what is right and wrong but sees the individuality and flexibility of character. In fact, the word 'character' does not exist for it seeks to define what does not need to be. We can be anything and true friends see that. Basically this all means that within true friendships self-righteousness cannot persist.

More often than not when we think to confide in someone, hoping to share an emotion so as to connect on a deeper level, the response tend to come in advice of "shoulds" and "should nots". The confidante has stepped into your shoes in attempt to be close, but then stepped away with the detached observations of unforgiving analysis. True closeness is not this disrespect to the journey of another's life. It is a connection with the emotion shared, a sensation felt completely, and then both persons let go of it together. No lingering thought about it that can build up to an assumption of the character of the sharing party. This is authentic closeness when people know how to share their lives without invasion.

~

There are many indications to me that I am constantly stressed and how deep-rooted this tension is. I grind my teeth while sleeping everyday, and when I am awake my jaw is clenched down. I play with my nails incessantly and so they are pretty sensitive and break easily. When I talk to people I am generally hyperactive and nervous, and show this either by talking too much or talking too little (usually the first). And I am all of this despite being very conscious of how happy I am with my life.

I am totally in love with my life. I am living my dreams and moving forward all the time, and there are many gifts bestowed upon me that so many people take a lifetime to find. I have found the perfect other half whose very presence unveiled a greater reality to me. As an employee I have had the most amazing job becoming the editor of a creative magazine having a large say in the philosophical topics to express. As an employer I am slowly but surely forming system after system and it is so exciting and real that I am awfully glad I made this brave step in my life. I am just absolutely thrilled with all the things I have planned to do and have learnt and am still learning.

So why in spite of all my happiness, my subconscious is still grinding and picking at my nerves?

I began a wild child, constantly questioning things around me, unwilling to accept the norm to be the easy truth. I did what I wanted to do, felt a lot for everything and watched it all. And my independence was as constantly being watched and stamped out by an overly anxious mother. When I hooked one leg over the other at a young age, she told me accusingly not to do that as I looked vain. Whatever I chose to wear she would overeactively nitpick over it and most times I would have to return to my room to change out of my outfit feeling a sense of shame at my proposed vainness. Yet it took a long while for me to back down. When she told me what a girl should or should not do, I demanded a good reason as to why there should be these differences all steeped in limiting me. We argued and fought incessantly for a long, long time. And truth be told I do not remember a single affectionate moment shared between us during my childhood. All I can recall is a cloud of depressing suppression that smothered me, a sensation that I understood but could not define at that age.

As I grew older I got tired of fighting as my mother would not let up at all. Her way, her laws and her life was to be as she wanted it to be, and that included how I behaved, how I thought and how I am. There was no room for meeting in the middle. It was her way or none at all. One day, I decided once and for all that I did not want this unhappiness to continue. When I yielded it was in love for her, in love of peace and with the desire to grow, for the monotony was eating into me, but that moment was the moment I lost my wild fiery self.

Already I was becoming a nervous child, consistently second guessing myself and making mistakes because of that, and then going into a mood berating myself and the mess that I am because of the whole confusion of action. It was hard not to be like that when my movements are so watched and judged and corrected. It was difficult to make decisions firmly unafraid to fail. I knew my real self was fearless and in events where mistakes occurred outside of my mother's reach I used it to my advantage. However, as time went along and she usurped every space in my free willing spirit, I no longer had this private decision making space, for even there I hear her invading voice.

And today, even when I am filled with happiness and empowered by my own independant lifestyle, there exists this creeping feeling of worry that comes over me every second that it gets too quiet. The now enlarged sense that everything that I have built my life up to could have been a huge, devastating mistake and when I finally realise it, it would be too late, would have me sink, sink, sink into the great dark abyss of endless misery whenever I allow this suspicion to envelope me. No matter how ridiculous this might sound to my rational mind, it takes awhile to get rid of the feeling to come to that rational place. After that the whole sickening notion of why I am still at this state when I have already traveled so far in learning about the transient nature of life will overwhelm and leave me gasping for some form of saving grace. It is just that repetitive cycle of self-doubt and nothingness.

I am still struggling to get rid of this childhood bane. But I have only just discovered it. I only got here because I have finally reached the point where action has shown itself to be the trusting of instincts and I saw that my instincts are covered up by this flurrying nervous energy. And then I connected my tensed teeth-grinding and nail picking. And then I saw how etched in this inner tension was. And so I studied the history of how it came about. But now lies the question:

How do I get rid of this unnecessary and senseless stress once and for all?

~

How I have defined a true friendship is what all relationships should be. The base of any relationship is friendship. Trust and love, and all I have expressed of it. In view of this definition I can choose my friends accordingly but this could mean I could end up with no friends at all, for creating this kind of optimal relationship requires both to be in that mentality and first of all necessitates the understanding of what a relationship should be. Therefore cutting off friends who have not that outlook on friendship is not the answer, but perhaps my own living of that example could be.

With family it is even more so this way, for it is not a matter of choose and cut here at all. We cannot choose our family and we cannot cut our ties. And if only I live my example and let that reign over any other perception, I do not see why I should collapse into a state of tension any longer. As I become more trusting and loving, and naturally accepting that trusting and loving is the way it should be, subtly but surely that world would become realer and realer for me. Which is what is truly important. My reality.

And so I would no longer shiver in a bundle of nervous worries, my sanity cracking as the minutes ticked by. I would be healed with each effort I put into creating my reality. Becoming more comfortable and relaxed as I spin my own web of fate. There is nothing to worry in this moment for I trust my family without needing to analyse, just by instinct and just by love. And I know that deep down inside they do trust and love me the way I know is perfect. Most of all, deep down inside I trust and love me.

Rest, rest.

The restful babe slumbers on in the womb

In the quiet stillness

Its consciousness one with the rest of creation

Yet the separate nuance of identity

Forming and forming

As the body prepares itself for birth.

The activity, the excitement, the disturbance of experience

Cultivates awareness of the external, of which so little is known.

It responds with intense fear, wails at the top of its lungs - Born.

Rest, rest little one...

Fear is just the evolutionary signal to help us survive.

We are beginning a new age now, and your peace will herald its coming.

Our reign as the king lion should come to an end

For we are nearly gods already

Will soon be turning on each other

If our savage selves allowed to exist without reason

This path will only lead to total destruction of our kind.

It is time to develop further

Into a species no longer fleeing or frightened.

That primitive response inbred in us not useful anymore

Vestigial emotions that will be discarded

But how long will it take?

500 years for humankind to learn to return to our foetal depths?

More?

Will we last 500 years?

If we do, will we then wake from the womb thirsting for knowledge

Silent, observant and unafraid?

Rest, rest, brothers and sisters...

We are all the same.

No more fighting and hiding

We have so much work to do.

There is so much to see and know,

So much to love and feel.


Rest, rest...

Let our spirits return to our foetal depths.

***

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/453051/why_selfawareness_equates_to_the_knowledge.html

Bagged & Tagged (Labels in so many sense...)

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

-Tagged by Ghee
-Tagging Jannyfer, Keshi, Sandy Carlson.

_______________________________________________________

I am such a film buff, always excited about a fantastic time devouring a great movie.

I love so many different kinds of movies - all from comedies, indie, book adaptations, horror and so on - but it must all be sincere expressive art pieces and not blockbusters dripping with the sweat of consumerism. Thoughts and screenplay steeped in the whoring of dead souls just wandering around for mindless entertainment.

No, I am not into that.

There is always what is a firm step to growth and productivity of the Self. And there is always that which brings us into a vicious cycle because it is unfocussed and unnecessary... excess in every way. The first one is the balanced point, and the second an extreme position (anything unbalanced is extreme). What is focussed and keeping the point centred is balanced. And what is sinking too much into anything is extreme.

These certain blockbusters are extreme because instead of concentrating on what films are, an experience given by the collection of artists who created the flicks with the intention to share, express and connect... they arrange the movie around the marketable aspects catering to the majority to ensure a high movie rating and sales.

Art becoming a business in this way is insincere and promotes insincerity. It does not benefit humankind in any way and is in fact detrimental. Art which truly is art, when it is so appreciated by the audience without needing such flossing and glossing would then truly reflect on the society as an enlightened, advanced collective consciousness. We do not allow ourselves the belief that we can be that as a species and we show this in our business tactics.

I am thinking about business... about a company's need to maintain a good name or more exactly, its bondage to impressing others and the desire to have a widely accepted good opinion from others.

I am thinking about the labelling and narrowing needed to be done in business... elements of which on a personal level I understand so well the process of which it came about, its reactionary and backwardness. Elements of which I seek to dissolve in myself as noted unnatural perverseness developed through a locked-on mindset of extremism in attempt to shield or decorate the ego.

In every way I look at it, there seems to be no possible way to dissolve the heart of a business from 'impressive walls' or limiting views apparent in advertising strategies. A business exist to connect different groups of people together to generate monetary movement. It cannot be successful if it does not pay attention to keeping a good name and it will not be noticed if it does not employ the generic choices of the marketing team.

And the whole process seems to me like robotic actions done without really agreeing but to fit part of the machinery cycle. Exactly why this coldness upsets me this much is that I attach it to who I am. If business is cold and I own the business, I am cold am I not? And if I am not, then I must be hypocritical.

But yet there is something absolutely natural about it. In fact the business system is something totally efficient. And I am talking on a holistic scale regarding mankind on the whole. The market system undeniably comes together in a complexly beautiful way without needing manipulation from any overseeing source. In a sense, owning a business can be the smartest capitalistic way of dealing with survival issues as quickly as possible so as to then be able to drivenly spend the rest of our little time here on Earth exploring and experiencing the quintessential questions of life. After all, we should already be at that state of advanced self-awareness that knows such a great deal more than the majority of us now do. And I mean knowledge about the deepest mysteries. Of all that we don't know and should always seek to find out. And if we just focus on the point again, and never the runaround, we will be able to see what would be the fastest way to get the survival problem out of the way so as to give us space for the more important. Plus, wouldn't this business creation be a part of 'living' as well - creating and completing dreams? Better than zombie-ing around the corporate world blank-faced and sombrely hungering like the primitive animals after the largest piece of meat.

Learning all there is to know, as much as we can, growing and growing... seems to me a better way to exist. Not working and working for our whole lives, having no meaning to living except to survive in stagnation. Business deals with that for us. It is the most intelligent way to obtain for us the means to truly freely enjoy this earth with all its beauty and magic. Religion has made it a sin for pursuing and owning wealth. This is illogical since there is wealth enough for everyone. This is also absurd because our natural way is to grow and there is nothing in us to stop us from earning more and more cash. Yes, we might have a problem with greed (excess/extremism) as we do with a lot of things for moderation is a level of wisdom that would take a thousand years for some, but we do not have the inclination to not try to earn more pennies except when fear comes in the way... and that is where the church comes in with its eternal damnation.

***

I have to learn to detach myself when I am dealing with business issues. It should always be an entire system I am looking at and not petty affairs of administrations. And not a single one of my decisions should define me as a person. Any quarrels, unhappiness or conflict should be looked at with the eye of spotting what is causing the flaw such that capitalism was not reached. The market system is the best model to look at in discussing why capitalism is the best position. It is the natural position and the winds all blow towards that direction. Everybody is happy in that situation... Balance yet again.

I always look towards nature for knowledge. And in business, the market sytem is the ecosystem of knowledge.

Bulldozing the Wall Down

STORY

Found a wall so strong and old
So strong and old it was overlooked
Set itself perfectly, comfortably
On a spot well covered up for ages

So finally I saw the wall
Time to celebrate beauty that could be
Once the wall was broken, new possibilities procured
But the debris remained and became a new wall

Cracked and absurd.
Confused and frustrated.


WALLS

There are so many walls around
Always noticed, always found
But they're mostly yours, not mine
I took noticed but not so enough

It seems to me year after year
I waited to find my wall
But why did I wait for mine
And searched for the walls of others?

Detachment and understanding?
Hands dirty, hands clean.


MINE

Created by model bricks of fearful red
Form some illusion of bright and fun
Its just an uneasy pile of stones
Cemented layer after layer with ego

Sometimes the wall fails to function
Walls in other shapes and sizes
Paddle the intruding elements up and down
Long and hard creates a painful, gaping hole

Hit by the ball to the quick,
Quick be quick in wall's constructive deception.


BULLDOZE
Ego

Impressive walls have jealous scribbles upon it
Inspiring negativity as the instinctive mind always knows
Differentiating the stone from the flesh
Impressive 'flesh' has always beget impressive 'flesh'

The need for acquiring acceptance and agreement
Conquers the need for painting truth, liberation
Impressive walls is the symbol of subjection
Impressive 'flesh' is the oxymoron of chance

Subjugation to others/
Faithfulness to self


BULLDOZE
Uneasy

Right from opening the front door
It's just me and what I think
Not you, not them, not invisible man
I can know but I cannot Care

Caring is like giving out chains to keymasters
Caring about opinions in the labelling sense
What possible reason can justify Caring?
None but only to satisfy the ego's image

Expression without ego =
Depiction of true precision


BULLDOZED

My obligations, my duties, my choices dissected
More but discomforting, unnecessary
Love does not require sacrifice
Love is appreciation and understanding

My comforts, my prerogatives procrastination dissolved
Never do more than you really want to do
Better than whining silently
Building up a hurricane of resent

Your body sometimes know better
Your sacrifice sometimes harms others



http://www.okcupid.com/tests/2659618560150763379/Philosophy-Clarity

Open Your Eyes

Monday: [Rushed to Ikea - Whoosh]
Sunk into the cloud of smoke. Hesitant yet half wanting the time to understand. This is no time to do so. I do not want to. My body does not want to.
My dreams are waiting...

Tuesday: [Ikea Day 2 - Whoosh]
The body has been consumed into an addictive motion. I drew myself in to fit my other's temperament. Uncertain because it is conceited to be otherwise when I do not truly know...
I only sense it and that cannot be good enough until I completely know Sense.

Wednesday: [Tristan Came Over - Whoosh]
The motion has sunk in. This is the mood of the times. I shall only obey although my heart is still unwilling to thoroughly take a stand. Because the aching voice of reason knows.
And the knowledge is getting stronger...

Thursday: [La Baroque Party - Gulp - Red Bar Afters - Gulp]
I seem to be lost in a room of bleeding lights. The music is loud but my heart beats louder. I know I do not want to be here but I am anyway. Why? I go with the flow too much when I have not yet decide...
Later could mean I ruin my quickness of focus, of that sweet clarity.

Friday: [Magazine Media Party - Gulp]
I was talking to my mother, flying through peaceful blue skies, harmonious and in tuned with it all. I have reached that elusive point. The flute has started playing for me...
I am serenaded by that beautiful melodious meditation.

Saturday: [Hendrix Reunion Party - Gulp - Bryan's Birthday Bash - Gulp]
Dipping my toes into the feel of the past I shivered in distaste. So I ended up sitting there, not participating and not disregarding. Just the observer that has wandered there before and know you but could bring you away if you wanted her to.
This reality is the illusion of glamour for escape...

Sunday: [Mahjong Dinner Party - Stretch]
I have finally made up my mind, thought to the end about the trail of things and seen what I needed to see. I knew that I missed dreaming and this endless state of unrest was hurting my vision.
I have clambered back on that horse, riding smoothly back onto the pilgrim's path of love.

Sade's Kiss

woman dressed in a red cheongsam
the look of ease and sex
sex, the rawest life of anything
the soul of the living

you walk through the muted background
absorbed in nothing but yourself,
your emotional mind's intellect
your skin's feel and the taste of your lips

dance! dance my symbollic heart
your being is a reminder
to feeling, breathing, loving.
I pledge my allegiance to you.

move like the delicate wind as it flies
certain as the naked babe
fears are unknown to you
except to conquer and understand

I pledge my allegiance to you.

Reflection

It was so much easier to see when I detached myself from the chaos and entanglement of daily living. And things started to fit into their natural place smoothly - the focusses of A to Z were crisp and clean, harmonising deeply into a beautiful state. It is these moments that I live for. When I am magically aroused but so peaceful. It is the point in which my soul feels so magnified and the body less of a burden but an instrument in which to express and experience. The point in which I am listening to the voice of the universe and am at one with the whole of creation.

It is here when I do not delve into gossips that the bored mind dwells on in search of connecting and the want to put into words complex feelings that was created in response to another. The analysis of those feelings usually surface towards a black or white direction although the entirety is never as simple as that. It was just the exchange of energies, and it is really unnecessary to qualify and quantify the experience of the person to be something too straightforwardly good or bad. We can discuss. But we do not get locked into the conversation so far as to become stuck in one mood, belittling the emotions that could be shared and the real intelligence of the ideas.

It is also at this heightened state that I am unaffected by the games of fearful people with their lashes of mockery and complementary thick, bullet-proof walled up hearts and insincere self-composed smiles. It does not matter because I see it whole and am not involved in it personally. And because I am not entangled in it, I can be truly forensic and yet truly sympathetic. Because our job is to understand. To see it all. When we label and we tag, limiting to help us understand, that is but child's play. We are not seeing it all, cutting off corners to make it easier. But it ain't the truth and we ain't kids no more.

The Balance Scale of a Spirit's Bodily Connections

First Point on the Scale of Communicative Application - "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK"
Complete disregard of whatever opinion, flawed thought process and limited awareness judgments the other party might have. Finds it unnecessary and likely futile to make the effort to engage and create an environment suitable for their ego's walls and masks to still bring across the message of truth and scholarly study.

Mid Point to Center on the Scale of Communicative Application - "CARING JUST THAT LITTLE BIT"
The flawed thought processes are inconsequential due to easy labelling in the pretext of understanding. Politely engages but does not Love and thus the intention to impartially not create any environment slowly moves towards hostility. After all, the insistence to keep a scholarly condition was done with full knowledge of the other's inability, in that circumstance, to do so.

Center on the Scale of Communicative Application - "HARMONY"
Flawed thought processes are a part of the truth as the truth encompasses more than just the stripped beginning. Understanding is knowing one smooth point to the next and is not the maker of Right and Wrong. Engages empathisingly, whole-heartedly human to human, and disengages trustingly, individualistically human to human. Detached enough to see everything but attached enough to feel everything. And so the communicative input will only be the piecing of jigsaws, from smaller to bigger puzzles.

Mid Point to Last Point on the Scale of Communicative Application - "OVER-CARING JUST THAT LITTLE BIT"
Knows that all thought can be understood but does not truly understand. Analyse and vocalise to aid and point, all seeing but not feeling. Engages nearly too deeply but disengages in reluctance to invade yet the interference has already made its way into the confused mind and damage might have already been done.

Last Point on the Scale of Communicative Application - "I FUCKING CARE TOO MUCH"
Thoroughly disregards understanding but insists upon the truth. Hot-headed passion-filled analysis creates a mess of the actual Truth. The other party's wayward thinking frustrates and angers but that creates a more powerful disgust inward. The resulting negative friction eradicates all the precious thoughts that was exchanged and what remains will only be the bruised ego and the hate.

Deepak Chopra and Meditation

Beautiful, beautiful Deepak Chopra. I can see from his demeanour and his words that his mind and heart fuses together so very coherently. He is at such a meditative, balanced mode, where logic and emotion intertwines at equilibrium, that he can tap into the mysteries more easily than the rest of us with our chaotic minds. What he is is just so perfectly human. A great example of our innermost potential. I would really love to sit him down and talk to him all day.

The Carrying Mess

~Unfocussed Brilliance Leads Nowhere~

I understand that swear words deserve not that heavy taboo that was given them because their presence signifies many movements - the right to free speech, the right to expression, the liberation of the self. Beyond that, what I see is that there is nothing so damning with using vulgarities to express oneself. The intensity that a curse word can give has sometimes the only suitable weight to perfectly articulate the feeling behind it. Isn't exactness, in purity (without conditioning and taboos), the only thing anyone would want to project in communication? So it seems that the taboo upon swearing only came about in a form of suppression of that intensity of feeling. That if we do not swear, do not tangibly show that feeling in words, that immense energy will not exist, and society is as emotionless as it ever was. Invisible walls as a fortress to keep the unwanted out.

Older people who are seeking safety and security do not like to be riled up and so feel scandalised by the release of such intensity. Negative or positive intensity is as scandalising but the 'negative' ones (curse words easily fit into that category) get bashed up much quicker because justification can be effortlessly arranged using either religion's blasphemy, reasonless authority or association devices.

>I know this but I hesitate to use the word FUCK when I meet a new friend of the same sex and same race. I wait to know what the person is like before choosing to be comfortable and myself around the person, no longer watchful of my words, but expressing exactly the content and the feeling of what I want to say. It is so fake to be technical like this when it is only the content and feeling that truly matters.

The female gender is less tolerant of the word because less of their sex use it, probably because I do think in general, women as opposed to men do not question convention as much (or perhaps as openly). It's a logical assemblance of thought since women have been suppressed for so long having a history of being dependants and considered by men (who were the only ones allowed to own property) to be either assets/liabilities. Loosely speaking, the world is more condemning on women who use swear words rather than men, and so among themselves they have gradually developed the idea to a fact that it is unbecoming for a woman to use such vulgarities and when someone does, to be offended or shocked, especially if it comes from a lady. It is as though the person has crossed a boundary meaningfully with the intent to provoke or create chaos for everybody else around.

The Chinese do expect certain proprieties to be observed and spouting off swear words left and right is definitely not something easily tolerated. If it is an elder, the violator's head would be bitten off in the ensuing rebuke or frozen off in the ensuing hostility. And all the more since I am chinese and should be aware of the practices of the Chinese, the likelier the invading response if the recipient of my vulgarities is of the mind that the said words are taboo.

Thus I have to test the waters before I can safely be myself. Which is completely bullshit since testing the waters means the other party bravely exposes herself/himself first and then I know it is okay. Like the people I have thought to be untruthful to themselves in the desperate want for safety and security, I am the hypocrite that cannot carry myself through a simple task in the fear of offending and shocking. In addition to that, very often during the process of testing the waters, I am a mess of self, not knowing how to respond or initiate, conducting myself terribly like a confused girl who can be put down, laughed at by anyone since I seem alright with it.

I seek to understand many things. Vulgar language is just an example. But knowing so much in theory and not being these things is just bullshit yet again. I know this and that is why I am a carrying mess. I carry myself as a mess. This isn't always true because sometimes I am clearheaded and complete, but those times are short breaths taken in a long day out.

I must be who I am in my head, or else I will never be living up to my full potential. My mind's messages are too separate from my body's delivery.

Off I go to be full.

















~a short breath still brings life to a difficult day~

The Game of Mahjong

I see the now. I see the evermore. All is clear. All is peaceful. Balancing at this point is easy because it is the most natural occurrence. I see the now. I see the evermore.

*

First I receive my tiles. Nothing more, nothing less. Flowers are replaced. Turn by turn. More flowers are replaced. Turn after turn. While there is a wait, cards are arranged, a discard tile is set.

Next I play the game. Watch the throws, adjust my game to the flow. I must be conscious of the flow. Heighten my senses, understand the mental energies. If I have a fan already I make my first set as soon as it comes. Only if my cards can go either way.

If it has eight of the same I make my efforts towards getting all the same. If it is distinctly 3 of a kind I play that as well. If it is a very good combination of consecutives, that's what I will do. As I said, see the flow. See the flow of EVERYTHING.



Clarity is when you see the immediate to the infinite. You know what to focus on now. And you do that. You know what you have to do next and you smoothly move on to that. Like a paragraph to the next. Coherent and cohesive. Perfection. Most of all, you know what the entire purpose is and it all links up to that. There is no confusion as to which step comes first in the mind, which surrounds and which follows. They are all different but arranged. They are not fixed but flexible. They respond to the flows that comes and goes, and they are guiltless and egoless. No pain on the slips, no self-labelling on the falls. Each slip is easily utilised to the next step. Each fall is seen as part and parcel of the process.

Clarity is the undeniable wisdom.

*

I see the now. I see the evermore. All is clear. All is peaceful. Balancing at this point is easy because it is the most natural occurrence. I see the now. I see the evermore.

The Golden Compass (Film)

I am extremely excited that they are going to screen the first part of Philip Pullman's trilogy. The books were so special to me for it was fantasy at its best. Childlike, magical and romantic. There are just so many elements in it that got me all worked up and begging for more. It talked about nearly everything I like to talk about and created a beautiful world that I would have liked to create, be in or just dream about.

The visions in my head as I read the book are now going to materialise on the magical big screen. I can't wait!

my family

my beautiful father...

your love for music was what connected us fully
that understanding of Emotion as an intelligent force
and so there was always that trust we had in each other
to realise the subtleties that lies between all

but as the years went by the light dimmed in your eyes
your skepticism grew, your Emotions seemed to have died
your being just you became overwhelmed by the you that the ignorant only knew
i see you daddy, and i know you - the fire that is quintessentially you.


my beautiful mother...

your superficial concerns bothered me
how the path to success was such a strict one-way route
and then as your endless attention choked me silently,
your soul neverendingly ignored mine

but as the years went by i saw you
the you as a child to a girl to a mum
the woman that had fears, had dreams, had tears
and i understood that i am you and you are me.


my beautiful brother Cedric...

your happiness was undesirable to those around
it rendered you too carefree to a bourjeoisie crowd,
too unable to see the drive that you ought to have
and i was sucked in with just that little help from my own insecurities

but as my self-awareness grew, i saw how misjudged you were
a victim of weakness in others and not weakness in you
a character borne out of steered perception and not out of truth
and i remembered the boy that i have always loved so deeply yet quietly.


my beautiful brother Calixtus...

your genius was never in question
at any young age you were able to take on the knowledge of any adult
but you became just the baby prodigy
and when there was another and when you grew up, you disappeared.

what nobody understood was the depths of your genius
it carried beyond the bounds of academic progress
it was the passionate search for the answers to mysteries
you are the brave warrior soldiering on to take on the universe.


my beautiful brother Carrick...

your mature selflessness became misunderstood
you were uncommon and humble and sweet
you were cutie as cutie can be
you were Too Good To Be True

but it was true and you are my most precious gift
so full of life, so full of every possible good thing i know in this existence
you are so very precious to me
you are my bestest, bestest friend


so much love to give to all of you... so much joy... i thank you all for everything.

Cedric & Me

the perverse retardation of the natural

Life is raging against each other
backlashes, conflict thrashes
we all begin beautiful, potent
but jadedness, the cold beast
tears into us in a sharp downpour of rain
drenching all our hopes
smothering all our joys
the wonder of the senses
the awe of everything
do you know it?
does it know you?
in the flooding rain we weep
a victim of our own doing
placing limitations after limitations on ourselves
when we fail and fail again
Knowledge in this way earned is nought
but more chains on our prison cells
we close door after door not knowing
that there was so much more unexplored within those walls
and not knowing that they are nought
but walls put up by our minds
in search for security?
in search for stability?
in search for that safeness of already
anticipating the worse so we will not hurt.
that cowardly behaviour in One
seeps its deadly venom into All
when we use mockery, names and judgment
we are the tool of unrest and unfulfilment
to be unaffected by these knives of society
we have to harden ourselves and apprehend the pain
and this is the trend of practice
we prepare our children for

we grow older and look towards stability
i shall remind you now
what you already know
the most stable place to be,
where no childish risks
or adolescent adventure
can be condemned of
lies ultimately,

In the coffin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the process of protecting ourselves so extravagantly, we have forgotten how to love and live.

Set me free.

My perception of life is at its core, a joyful, lively vision.

More times than one, people have tried to distort my inner look on life for variant reasons. Sometimes it is because they themselves are very dissatisfied with their lot in life and the energy that should have been put into doing something about it takes a perverse turn and is instead used on those they have some authority over. They shape and mould their underlings in god-like assumption that they are right. And it is a long breath away before they question themselves to more issues than one. Sometimes people distort my view because they are just way too free, with no strive or understanding to what life is about. They seek to chase away the emptiness they feel by madly bothering about all the people and trivialities around them... none of it meaning anything real to them except to fill their head with 'thoughts' so as to not hear in the silence, the knowledge that they are devoid of substance.

One of the things you will notice about these people is that they are unable to give another the grace of privacy. They have not thought much of the concept and when faced with the topic brought to front by tired fellow human beings, give excuses to others and themselves that what they are doing is not an invasion of privacy but their god-given right. "Why can't I open your letters? I am your _______!" Nothing more is thought of except to alter the perception of others to support the notion that they are right, and by doing so, consciously or subconsciously breaking their underlings' spirits.

Who are these people with so much authority over others such that they can psychologically abuse them for so long that spirits become broken and hearts become dead? Couldn't these underlings just get away from them or not allow them to have any effect on their Selfs whatsoever? But these people are Mothers, Fathers, Bosses, Teachers etc. People who feel they have a right to do what they will to their underlings. People who think that the latters owe them a living. And most of all, people whom we love or want to love.

***

I just want to be my happy self. I love living life; exploring emotions, meeting people, experimenting, planning, studying, dreaming... I want to live on my terms - what to me is right and wrong. I want the space to commit the wrongs and not feel sorry for everyone else but myself. I would like to decide what Truth is, studiously and forensicly without the bias that is encouraged by these manipulators. And then when I have decided on anything for myself, I do not need a hierachical response to my choices. I am fiercely independant and enjoy it immensely. I believe that this meditative self-possession befits the journey of my life. It is not necessary to label me according to my decisions - they do not understand it or would even really try to so how can they judge it? Anyone's purpose should only be to understand me - a separate life, a human with a mind - and not judge me, if you will even bother yourself about me at all (paying this much attention to me, yet not really me but a puppet version, is not in the least crucial to life at all).

Mummy, I just want you to know that I love you. But this love is truly a bondage to suffering. Please allow me to be happy. I have found real happiness now but you keep getting in my way. Please...

...Set me free.

The Heavy Heart/The Growing Ego

I opened it with growing anticipation.
My mind has stopped and only expectation remained.
I want something good but anything could be bad.
Except what I desired, Astounding.
It became not about the object but about my self-image.
It became all about whether I was good or was bad.
One item could bring down my sense of worth.
One item could reign supreme against all other occasions.
Just because it is the most recent occurence.
One reason could neglect all others in the rage of insecurity.
Began by the Ego, craved by the weak.
It is easier to let go to nasty suspicions.
To lay upon others the job to affirm the lazy spirit.

It was ALL irrational, illogical...

(I opened it with anticipation.
Knowing full well that the box was old although it was heavy.
It would be grand to have something good, but 'bad' only does exist for the pessimist.
I know it can be Astounding, and if it wasn't, the next would be.
My Self has nothing to do with all that happens.
My Self is that distant observer watching it all.
All time - past, present, future - is the same to my Self.
Every reason equates to all others to infinity.
Began by the Heart, the true position.
The Ego blocks the heart which in turns, the mind.
And it is impossible to think at full Self.)

~

My Love, thank you for being my muse.

Ea..Sy ?

You are enslaved to the Ego,
When you have something to prove,
To someone, to something & everything.
The Enlightened state does not require
Justification and approbation
From all around.
Seeks only the Self's truth,
Which philosophically thus mathematically
Equates to the universal truth.
That Self-righteous anger
When someone does not comprehend
And you cannot explain well - not calm,
Stems from Egoistic strivings belonging
Only to the inSecure Self.

You get pissed with your stammering,
Frustrating in its unfulfilling nature.
You feel maligned when you know so well
Absolute logic collapses in conceitedness.
You can explain from now till the end of time,
And conceit will still hinder the path to understanding.
Your frustration comes from your inability
To perform to potential.
But the impotency only comes from
Being overwhelmed by seeming impossibility.
Who really cares if it is impossible?
Do we really want them to agree with us?
Do we really believe they can, whole-heartedly?
Only a miraculous opening can allow for such departure
From their safety zone,
From their illogic arising from illogic.

Truth is we just want to stroke our Ego.
We want to display our tremendous intelligence.
We want to prove a point.
We do not mean well.
We do not care.
It is time to move on from that inSecure world.
It is not even about Secure or inSecure.
The Enlightened position is a pure position.
You understand, you move.
You do not attribute
Anything to the Ego or quantify the Self.

I have to pay more attention to the reality of things.
I do what I do regardless of anyone.
And I do not need to answer to anyone really.
So what is in-between is truly...

A big waste of time.

Laughter's Philosophy

Wonderful film-makers like Wes Anderson & David O'Russel have enabled me to understand the brilliance of comedy. Far from the whimsical, mindless entertainment that I used to incline suspect of its substance, it has a rather complex usage which the above-mentioned great minds have utilised in the makings of some superb films.

The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou, The Royal Tenenbaums and I Heart Huckabees are some excellent examples of comedy's great voice. "Some people say that you talk about the serious stuff and then you put in comedy to make it go down easier. But no, they’re one and the same." Russell is one of the rare few who understands too well the interconnectivity between life's most vital questions and laughter. He says that a Zen monk once told him that if one cannot find amusement in something, one never quite understood it.

And to help along this understanding of comedy came the introduction to Bill Hicks. I've always wondered about stand-up comedians... what their purpose is besides making people laugh. It is too simple to just want to communicate laughter and nothing else at all, and find this fulfilling for an artistic outlet. To me, everything must link to the greater picture of life. If it doesn't, it ain't a complete thought. Bill Hicks became for me the comedian I had idealised. I realised that the only way being a stand-up comedian could be something thoroughly worthwhile is when the role is truly used as a form of expression and says something with the power of its medium, provoking and stimulating, within the boundaries of its art, thereby creating a masterpiece.

When you laugh at something comical, the message that came with it went across. You really do understand what's funny about it because it is presented in that light. And then you comprehend that light better. Not as an alternate perceptive world to dreariness and sadness, but a balanced, peaceful realm of detached observation. Which is what our busy minds seek... a meditative state of real control. And then comedy is a choice. To seek that colourful world of simplicity where every seemingly profound subject is second nature, and everybody is tripping on an acid pill. ;)