The Carrying Mess

~Unfocussed Brilliance Leads Nowhere~

I understand that swear words deserve not that heavy taboo that was given them because their presence signifies many movements - the right to free speech, the right to expression, the liberation of the self. Beyond that, what I see is that there is nothing so damning with using vulgarities to express oneself. The intensity that a curse word can give has sometimes the only suitable weight to perfectly articulate the feeling behind it. Isn't exactness, in purity (without conditioning and taboos), the only thing anyone would want to project in communication? So it seems that the taboo upon swearing only came about in a form of suppression of that intensity of feeling. That if we do not swear, do not tangibly show that feeling in words, that immense energy will not exist, and society is as emotionless as it ever was. Invisible walls as a fortress to keep the unwanted out.

Older people who are seeking safety and security do not like to be riled up and so feel scandalised by the release of such intensity. Negative or positive intensity is as scandalising but the 'negative' ones (curse words easily fit into that category) get bashed up much quicker because justification can be effortlessly arranged using either religion's blasphemy, reasonless authority or association devices.

>I know this but I hesitate to use the word FUCK when I meet a new friend of the same sex and same race. I wait to know what the person is like before choosing to be comfortable and myself around the person, no longer watchful of my words, but expressing exactly the content and the feeling of what I want to say. It is so fake to be technical like this when it is only the content and feeling that truly matters.

The female gender is less tolerant of the word because less of their sex use it, probably because I do think in general, women as opposed to men do not question convention as much (or perhaps as openly). It's a logical assemblance of thought since women have been suppressed for so long having a history of being dependants and considered by men (who were the only ones allowed to own property) to be either assets/liabilities. Loosely speaking, the world is more condemning on women who use swear words rather than men, and so among themselves they have gradually developed the idea to a fact that it is unbecoming for a woman to use such vulgarities and when someone does, to be offended or shocked, especially if it comes from a lady. It is as though the person has crossed a boundary meaningfully with the intent to provoke or create chaos for everybody else around.

The Chinese do expect certain proprieties to be observed and spouting off swear words left and right is definitely not something easily tolerated. If it is an elder, the violator's head would be bitten off in the ensuing rebuke or frozen off in the ensuing hostility. And all the more since I am chinese and should be aware of the practices of the Chinese, the likelier the invading response if the recipient of my vulgarities is of the mind that the said words are taboo.

Thus I have to test the waters before I can safely be myself. Which is completely bullshit since testing the waters means the other party bravely exposes herself/himself first and then I know it is okay. Like the people I have thought to be untruthful to themselves in the desperate want for safety and security, I am the hypocrite that cannot carry myself through a simple task in the fear of offending and shocking. In addition to that, very often during the process of testing the waters, I am a mess of self, not knowing how to respond or initiate, conducting myself terribly like a confused girl who can be put down, laughed at by anyone since I seem alright with it.

I seek to understand many things. Vulgar language is just an example. But knowing so much in theory and not being these things is just bullshit yet again. I know this and that is why I am a carrying mess. I carry myself as a mess. This isn't always true because sometimes I am clearheaded and complete, but those times are short breaths taken in a long day out.

I must be who I am in my head, or else I will never be living up to my full potential. My mind's messages are too separate from my body's delivery.

Off I go to be full.

















~a short breath still brings life to a difficult day~

The Game of Mahjong

I see the now. I see the evermore. All is clear. All is peaceful. Balancing at this point is easy because it is the most natural occurrence. I see the now. I see the evermore.

*

First I receive my tiles. Nothing more, nothing less. Flowers are replaced. Turn by turn. More flowers are replaced. Turn after turn. While there is a wait, cards are arranged, a discard tile is set.

Next I play the game. Watch the throws, adjust my game to the flow. I must be conscious of the flow. Heighten my senses, understand the mental energies. If I have a fan already I make my first set as soon as it comes. Only if my cards can go either way.

If it has eight of the same I make my efforts towards getting all the same. If it is distinctly 3 of a kind I play that as well. If it is a very good combination of consecutives, that's what I will do. As I said, see the flow. See the flow of EVERYTHING.



Clarity is when you see the immediate to the infinite. You know what to focus on now. And you do that. You know what you have to do next and you smoothly move on to that. Like a paragraph to the next. Coherent and cohesive. Perfection. Most of all, you know what the entire purpose is and it all links up to that. There is no confusion as to which step comes first in the mind, which surrounds and which follows. They are all different but arranged. They are not fixed but flexible. They respond to the flows that comes and goes, and they are guiltless and egoless. No pain on the slips, no self-labelling on the falls. Each slip is easily utilised to the next step. Each fall is seen as part and parcel of the process.

Clarity is the undeniable wisdom.

*

I see the now. I see the evermore. All is clear. All is peaceful. Balancing at this point is easy because it is the most natural occurrence. I see the now. I see the evermore.

The Golden Compass (Film)

I am extremely excited that they are going to screen the first part of Philip Pullman's trilogy. The books were so special to me for it was fantasy at its best. Childlike, magical and romantic. There are just so many elements in it that got me all worked up and begging for more. It talked about nearly everything I like to talk about and created a beautiful world that I would have liked to create, be in or just dream about.

The visions in my head as I read the book are now going to materialise on the magical big screen. I can't wait!

my family

my beautiful father...

your love for music was what connected us fully
that understanding of Emotion as an intelligent force
and so there was always that trust we had in each other
to realise the subtleties that lies between all

but as the years went by the light dimmed in your eyes
your skepticism grew, your Emotions seemed to have died
your being just you became overwhelmed by the you that the ignorant only knew
i see you daddy, and i know you - the fire that is quintessentially you.


my beautiful mother...

your superficial concerns bothered me
how the path to success was such a strict one-way route
and then as your endless attention choked me silently,
your soul neverendingly ignored mine

but as the years went by i saw you
the you as a child to a girl to a mum
the woman that had fears, had dreams, had tears
and i understood that i am you and you are me.


my beautiful brother Cedric...

your happiness was undesirable to those around
it rendered you too carefree to a bourjeoisie crowd,
too unable to see the drive that you ought to have
and i was sucked in with just that little help from my own insecurities

but as my self-awareness grew, i saw how misjudged you were
a victim of weakness in others and not weakness in you
a character borne out of steered perception and not out of truth
and i remembered the boy that i have always loved so deeply yet quietly.


my beautiful brother Calixtus...

your genius was never in question
at any young age you were able to take on the knowledge of any adult
but you became just the baby prodigy
and when there was another and when you grew up, you disappeared.

what nobody understood was the depths of your genius
it carried beyond the bounds of academic progress
it was the passionate search for the answers to mysteries
you are the brave warrior soldiering on to take on the universe.


my beautiful brother Carrick...

your mature selflessness became misunderstood
you were uncommon and humble and sweet
you were cutie as cutie can be
you were Too Good To Be True

but it was true and you are my most precious gift
so full of life, so full of every possible good thing i know in this existence
you are so very precious to me
you are my bestest, bestest friend


so much love to give to all of you... so much joy... i thank you all for everything.

Cedric & Me

the perverse retardation of the natural

Life is raging against each other
backlashes, conflict thrashes
we all begin beautiful, potent
but jadedness, the cold beast
tears into us in a sharp downpour of rain
drenching all our hopes
smothering all our joys
the wonder of the senses
the awe of everything
do you know it?
does it know you?
in the flooding rain we weep
a victim of our own doing
placing limitations after limitations on ourselves
when we fail and fail again
Knowledge in this way earned is nought
but more chains on our prison cells
we close door after door not knowing
that there was so much more unexplored within those walls
and not knowing that they are nought
but walls put up by our minds
in search for security?
in search for stability?
in search for that safeness of already
anticipating the worse so we will not hurt.
that cowardly behaviour in One
seeps its deadly venom into All
when we use mockery, names and judgment
we are the tool of unrest and unfulfilment
to be unaffected by these knives of society
we have to harden ourselves and apprehend the pain
and this is the trend of practice
we prepare our children for

we grow older and look towards stability
i shall remind you now
what you already know
the most stable place to be,
where no childish risks
or adolescent adventure
can be condemned of
lies ultimately,

In the coffin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the process of protecting ourselves so extravagantly, we have forgotten how to love and live.

Set me free.

My perception of life is at its core, a joyful, lively vision.

More times than one, people have tried to distort my inner look on life for variant reasons. Sometimes it is because they themselves are very dissatisfied with their lot in life and the energy that should have been put into doing something about it takes a perverse turn and is instead used on those they have some authority over. They shape and mould their underlings in god-like assumption that they are right. And it is a long breath away before they question themselves to more issues than one. Sometimes people distort my view because they are just way too free, with no strive or understanding to what life is about. They seek to chase away the emptiness they feel by madly bothering about all the people and trivialities around them... none of it meaning anything real to them except to fill their head with 'thoughts' so as to not hear in the silence, the knowledge that they are devoid of substance.

One of the things you will notice about these people is that they are unable to give another the grace of privacy. They have not thought much of the concept and when faced with the topic brought to front by tired fellow human beings, give excuses to others and themselves that what they are doing is not an invasion of privacy but their god-given right. "Why can't I open your letters? I am your _______!" Nothing more is thought of except to alter the perception of others to support the notion that they are right, and by doing so, consciously or subconsciously breaking their underlings' spirits.

Who are these people with so much authority over others such that they can psychologically abuse them for so long that spirits become broken and hearts become dead? Couldn't these underlings just get away from them or not allow them to have any effect on their Selfs whatsoever? But these people are Mothers, Fathers, Bosses, Teachers etc. People who feel they have a right to do what they will to their underlings. People who think that the latters owe them a living. And most of all, people whom we love or want to love.

***

I just want to be my happy self. I love living life; exploring emotions, meeting people, experimenting, planning, studying, dreaming... I want to live on my terms - what to me is right and wrong. I want the space to commit the wrongs and not feel sorry for everyone else but myself. I would like to decide what Truth is, studiously and forensicly without the bias that is encouraged by these manipulators. And then when I have decided on anything for myself, I do not need a hierachical response to my choices. I am fiercely independant and enjoy it immensely. I believe that this meditative self-possession befits the journey of my life. It is not necessary to label me according to my decisions - they do not understand it or would even really try to so how can they judge it? Anyone's purpose should only be to understand me - a separate life, a human with a mind - and not judge me, if you will even bother yourself about me at all (paying this much attention to me, yet not really me but a puppet version, is not in the least crucial to life at all).

Mummy, I just want you to know that I love you. But this love is truly a bondage to suffering. Please allow me to be happy. I have found real happiness now but you keep getting in my way. Please...

...Set me free.

The Heavy Heart/The Growing Ego

I opened it with growing anticipation.
My mind has stopped and only expectation remained.
I want something good but anything could be bad.
Except what I desired, Astounding.
It became not about the object but about my self-image.
It became all about whether I was good or was bad.
One item could bring down my sense of worth.
One item could reign supreme against all other occasions.
Just because it is the most recent occurence.
One reason could neglect all others in the rage of insecurity.
Began by the Ego, craved by the weak.
It is easier to let go to nasty suspicions.
To lay upon others the job to affirm the lazy spirit.

It was ALL irrational, illogical...

(I opened it with anticipation.
Knowing full well that the box was old although it was heavy.
It would be grand to have something good, but 'bad' only does exist for the pessimist.
I know it can be Astounding, and if it wasn't, the next would be.
My Self has nothing to do with all that happens.
My Self is that distant observer watching it all.
All time - past, present, future - is the same to my Self.
Every reason equates to all others to infinity.
Began by the Heart, the true position.
The Ego blocks the heart which in turns, the mind.
And it is impossible to think at full Self.)

~

My Love, thank you for being my muse.