Reflection

It was so much easier to see when I detached myself from the chaos and entanglement of daily living. And things started to fit into their natural place smoothly - the focusses of A to Z were crisp and clean, harmonising deeply into a beautiful state. It is these moments that I live for. When I am magically aroused but so peaceful. It is the point in which my soul feels so magnified and the body less of a burden but an instrument in which to express and experience. The point in which I am listening to the voice of the universe and am at one with the whole of creation.

It is here when I do not delve into gossips that the bored mind dwells on in search of connecting and the want to put into words complex feelings that was created in response to another. The analysis of those feelings usually surface towards a black or white direction although the entirety is never as simple as that. It was just the exchange of energies, and it is really unnecessary to qualify and quantify the experience of the person to be something too straightforwardly good or bad. We can discuss. But we do not get locked into the conversation so far as to become stuck in one mood, belittling the emotions that could be shared and the real intelligence of the ideas.

It is also at this heightened state that I am unaffected by the games of fearful people with their lashes of mockery and complementary thick, bullet-proof walled up hearts and insincere self-composed smiles. It does not matter because I see it whole and am not involved in it personally. And because I am not entangled in it, I can be truly forensic and yet truly sympathetic. Because our job is to understand. To see it all. When we label and we tag, limiting to help us understand, that is but child's play. We are not seeing it all, cutting off corners to make it easier. But it ain't the truth and we ain't kids no more.

The Balance Scale of a Spirit's Bodily Connections

First Point on the Scale of Communicative Application - "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK"
Complete disregard of whatever opinion, flawed thought process and limited awareness judgments the other party might have. Finds it unnecessary and likely futile to make the effort to engage and create an environment suitable for their ego's walls and masks to still bring across the message of truth and scholarly study.

Mid Point to Center on the Scale of Communicative Application - "CARING JUST THAT LITTLE BIT"
The flawed thought processes are inconsequential due to easy labelling in the pretext of understanding. Politely engages but does not Love and thus the intention to impartially not create any environment slowly moves towards hostility. After all, the insistence to keep a scholarly condition was done with full knowledge of the other's inability, in that circumstance, to do so.

Center on the Scale of Communicative Application - "HARMONY"
Flawed thought processes are a part of the truth as the truth encompasses more than just the stripped beginning. Understanding is knowing one smooth point to the next and is not the maker of Right and Wrong. Engages empathisingly, whole-heartedly human to human, and disengages trustingly, individualistically human to human. Detached enough to see everything but attached enough to feel everything. And so the communicative input will only be the piecing of jigsaws, from smaller to bigger puzzles.

Mid Point to Last Point on the Scale of Communicative Application - "OVER-CARING JUST THAT LITTLE BIT"
Knows that all thought can be understood but does not truly understand. Analyse and vocalise to aid and point, all seeing but not feeling. Engages nearly too deeply but disengages in reluctance to invade yet the interference has already made its way into the confused mind and damage might have already been done.

Last Point on the Scale of Communicative Application - "I FUCKING CARE TOO MUCH"
Thoroughly disregards understanding but insists upon the truth. Hot-headed passion-filled analysis creates a mess of the actual Truth. The other party's wayward thinking frustrates and angers but that creates a more powerful disgust inward. The resulting negative friction eradicates all the precious thoughts that was exchanged and what remains will only be the bruised ego and the hate.

Deepak Chopra and Meditation

Beautiful, beautiful Deepak Chopra. I can see from his demeanour and his words that his mind and heart fuses together so very coherently. He is at such a meditative, balanced mode, where logic and emotion intertwines at equilibrium, that he can tap into the mysteries more easily than the rest of us with our chaotic minds. What he is is just so perfectly human. A great example of our innermost potential. I would really love to sit him down and talk to him all day.

The Carrying Mess

~Unfocussed Brilliance Leads Nowhere~

I understand that swear words deserve not that heavy taboo that was given them because their presence signifies many movements - the right to free speech, the right to expression, the liberation of the self. Beyond that, what I see is that there is nothing so damning with using vulgarities to express oneself. The intensity that a curse word can give has sometimes the only suitable weight to perfectly articulate the feeling behind it. Isn't exactness, in purity (without conditioning and taboos), the only thing anyone would want to project in communication? So it seems that the taboo upon swearing only came about in a form of suppression of that intensity of feeling. That if we do not swear, do not tangibly show that feeling in words, that immense energy will not exist, and society is as emotionless as it ever was. Invisible walls as a fortress to keep the unwanted out.

Older people who are seeking safety and security do not like to be riled up and so feel scandalised by the release of such intensity. Negative or positive intensity is as scandalising but the 'negative' ones (curse words easily fit into that category) get bashed up much quicker because justification can be effortlessly arranged using either religion's blasphemy, reasonless authority or association devices.

>I know this but I hesitate to use the word FUCK when I meet a new friend of the same sex and same race. I wait to know what the person is like before choosing to be comfortable and myself around the person, no longer watchful of my words, but expressing exactly the content and the feeling of what I want to say. It is so fake to be technical like this when it is only the content and feeling that truly matters.

The female gender is less tolerant of the word because less of their sex use it, probably because I do think in general, women as opposed to men do not question convention as much (or perhaps as openly). It's a logical assemblance of thought since women have been suppressed for so long having a history of being dependants and considered by men (who were the only ones allowed to own property) to be either assets/liabilities. Loosely speaking, the world is more condemning on women who use swear words rather than men, and so among themselves they have gradually developed the idea to a fact that it is unbecoming for a woman to use such vulgarities and when someone does, to be offended or shocked, especially if it comes from a lady. It is as though the person has crossed a boundary meaningfully with the intent to provoke or create chaos for everybody else around.

The Chinese do expect certain proprieties to be observed and spouting off swear words left and right is definitely not something easily tolerated. If it is an elder, the violator's head would be bitten off in the ensuing rebuke or frozen off in the ensuing hostility. And all the more since I am chinese and should be aware of the practices of the Chinese, the likelier the invading response if the recipient of my vulgarities is of the mind that the said words are taboo.

Thus I have to test the waters before I can safely be myself. Which is completely bullshit since testing the waters means the other party bravely exposes herself/himself first and then I know it is okay. Like the people I have thought to be untruthful to themselves in the desperate want for safety and security, I am the hypocrite that cannot carry myself through a simple task in the fear of offending and shocking. In addition to that, very often during the process of testing the waters, I am a mess of self, not knowing how to respond or initiate, conducting myself terribly like a confused girl who can be put down, laughed at by anyone since I seem alright with it.

I seek to understand many things. Vulgar language is just an example. But knowing so much in theory and not being these things is just bullshit yet again. I know this and that is why I am a carrying mess. I carry myself as a mess. This isn't always true because sometimes I am clearheaded and complete, but those times are short breaths taken in a long day out.

I must be who I am in my head, or else I will never be living up to my full potential. My mind's messages are too separate from my body's delivery.

Off I go to be full.

















~a short breath still brings life to a difficult day~

The Game of Mahjong

I see the now. I see the evermore. All is clear. All is peaceful. Balancing at this point is easy because it is the most natural occurrence. I see the now. I see the evermore.

*

First I receive my tiles. Nothing more, nothing less. Flowers are replaced. Turn by turn. More flowers are replaced. Turn after turn. While there is a wait, cards are arranged, a discard tile is set.

Next I play the game. Watch the throws, adjust my game to the flow. I must be conscious of the flow. Heighten my senses, understand the mental energies. If I have a fan already I make my first set as soon as it comes. Only if my cards can go either way.

If it has eight of the same I make my efforts towards getting all the same. If it is distinctly 3 of a kind I play that as well. If it is a very good combination of consecutives, that's what I will do. As I said, see the flow. See the flow of EVERYTHING.



Clarity is when you see the immediate to the infinite. You know what to focus on now. And you do that. You know what you have to do next and you smoothly move on to that. Like a paragraph to the next. Coherent and cohesive. Perfection. Most of all, you know what the entire purpose is and it all links up to that. There is no confusion as to which step comes first in the mind, which surrounds and which follows. They are all different but arranged. They are not fixed but flexible. They respond to the flows that comes and goes, and they are guiltless and egoless. No pain on the slips, no self-labelling on the falls. Each slip is easily utilised to the next step. Each fall is seen as part and parcel of the process.

Clarity is the undeniable wisdom.

*

I see the now. I see the evermore. All is clear. All is peaceful. Balancing at this point is easy because it is the most natural occurrence. I see the now. I see the evermore.

The Golden Compass (Film)

I am extremely excited that they are going to screen the first part of Philip Pullman's trilogy. The books were so special to me for it was fantasy at its best. Childlike, magical and romantic. There are just so many elements in it that got me all worked up and begging for more. It talked about nearly everything I like to talk about and created a beautiful world that I would have liked to create, be in or just dream about.

The visions in my head as I read the book are now going to materialise on the magical big screen. I can't wait!

my family

my beautiful father...

your love for music was what connected us fully
that understanding of Emotion as an intelligent force
and so there was always that trust we had in each other
to realise the subtleties that lies between all

but as the years went by the light dimmed in your eyes
your skepticism grew, your Emotions seemed to have died
your being just you became overwhelmed by the you that the ignorant only knew
i see you daddy, and i know you - the fire that is quintessentially you.


my beautiful mother...

your superficial concerns bothered me
how the path to success was such a strict one-way route
and then as your endless attention choked me silently,
your soul neverendingly ignored mine

but as the years went by i saw you
the you as a child to a girl to a mum
the woman that had fears, had dreams, had tears
and i understood that i am you and you are me.


my beautiful brother Cedric...

your happiness was undesirable to those around
it rendered you too carefree to a bourjeoisie crowd,
too unable to see the drive that you ought to have
and i was sucked in with just that little help from my own insecurities

but as my self-awareness grew, i saw how misjudged you were
a victim of weakness in others and not weakness in you
a character borne out of steered perception and not out of truth
and i remembered the boy that i have always loved so deeply yet quietly.


my beautiful brother Calixtus...

your genius was never in question
at any young age you were able to take on the knowledge of any adult
but you became just the baby prodigy
and when there was another and when you grew up, you disappeared.

what nobody understood was the depths of your genius
it carried beyond the bounds of academic progress
it was the passionate search for the answers to mysteries
you are the brave warrior soldiering on to take on the universe.


my beautiful brother Carrick...

your mature selflessness became misunderstood
you were uncommon and humble and sweet
you were cutie as cutie can be
you were Too Good To Be True

but it was true and you are my most precious gift
so full of life, so full of every possible good thing i know in this existence
you are so very precious to me
you are my bestest, bestest friend


so much love to give to all of you... so much joy... i thank you all for everything.

Cedric & Me