Sun, Moon ... to be continued

The Sun represents vitality, a sense of individuality and outward-shining creative energy.



Sun in Aquarius

One of the standout characteristics of those born under the Sun Sign of Aquarius is their unwillingness to follow the beaten track. With advancement and progress on their minds, there can be an irreverence to old and outdated ways of thinking and doing things. Many Aquarians aim to free themselves of personal and social conditioning. Although open to change in theory, Aquarians can be surprisingly stubborn. Their idealism runs strong, but they can be very fixed in their opinions.

Often a bit aloof and even standoffish, Aquarians nonetheless are usually well-liked. They are curious and observant, and tolerant in a broad sense. Prejudice and bias is offensive to the typical Aquarius. Aquarians are generally very clever, witty, and intellectual. They value progress and frankness. It's difficult to throw Aquarians for a loop--they're generally on top of things. There is a bit of reformer in Aquarius. They'll try to get you to see through superficiality, and encourage you to be open and forthright. "Be true to yourself" and "Don't follow the crowd" are mottos we easily associate with this sign. Aquarians need space and value personal freedom. Any attempt to box them in will likely fail. They'll happily return the favor; and they will treat people from all walks of life as equals. Equality and fairness are hallmarks of the sign. If you're quirky and "different", all the better.

Short description:
She is independent, autonomous, and has progressive ideas.
Weaknesses: an unusual, rebellious and revolutionary spirit.

House:
Sun in VIII

You have a great urge to go farther or deeper into life every step of the way. You want to experience more, and your desires are both powerful and intense. It is hard for you to find satisfaction in common experiences, and you have magnetic power if you choose to use it wisely. You are fascinated with what lies under the surface, and at some point in your life, self-improvement is a big interest. You are attracted to unexplored or taboo areas of life, and you avoid all things superficial. Financial problems may ease after marriage.


Aspect:
151 Sextile Sun - Uranus

It is natural for you to question tradition. You are, above all things, an individualist. You naturally rebel against that which is established. It doesn't mean that you consistently break all the rules, but you definitely do question some of the rules, especially those that simply don't make much sense. You possess a huge distaste for routine. You work best when you have some say as to when and how you get things done. You possess much self-integrity. You avoid labeling people and are most offended when others attempt to label or stereotype you.

You easily embrace new ways of doing things, you stick up for the underdog, and you express yourself in unique and inspiring ways. You don't have to try to stand out as unique--you are original, creative, and progressive without trying. You are far from pretentious. You value honesty and truth, and you avoid putting on airs. You believe in the equality of people, and easily relate to people from all walks of life. You possess an unmistakable enthusiasm about life, and generally your life is interesting because you invite unusual or adventurous experiences into your life. You are generally appreciated by others because you are open-minded, fair, and not judgmental. Nothing really seems to faze you! You take things in stride, and are rarely shocked or taken aback by human behavior.


The Moon represents the emotional responses, unconscious pre-destination, and the self-image.



Moon in Capricorn

Being useful and productive are basic needs for Lunar Capricorns. Because they generally keep their emotions under check, Moon in Capricorn people come across as competent people. However turbulent their emotions may be under the surface, Lunar Capricorns keep cool-headed--and they come across as steady and reliable people. This position of the Moon suggests a desire for clear boundaries and realistic goals. Not much for taking risks in life, Lunar Capricorns look for safety and security in most everything they do. Most of them respect authority and tradition, and many are planning well ahead of the rest of us. You likely won't have to remind them to protect their interests, plan for old age, or keep fall-back money in their bank accounts. These things come naturally to them.

Calm, cool, and collected--these words sum up Moon in Capricorn natives well. Messy emotions and "leaky" souls are a bit frightening for most with this position of the Moon. Truth is, they can have plenty of mood swings and some dark emotions now and again. Lunar Capricorns are often quite hard on themselves, and would benefit from letting their guard down once in a while. They quickly garner reputations of being mountains of strength, and they easily hide their sensitivity behind a sarcastic manner.

You may have read that Moon in Capricorn natives are a bit cold and calculating. The fact is, they are unlikely to be any less emotional than the other 11 sign positions of the Moon--they simply aren't comfortable "letting go" when it comes to emotions. They keep their emotions under control. Wherever Capricorn is found in the chart, there is a desire for structure and control. Capricorn is the sign of organization and efficient management; so, when the Moon is found in the sign, the world of emotions are well-managed and handled in an efficient and practical manner. At the heart of Lunar Capricorns is a powerful need to feel worthwhile in the real world. There's a basic need for respectability and a big attachment to the world of the senses. Lunar Capricorns put a lot of value in all things tangible and real. And, perhaps more than anything, they need to be respected by others in order to feel secure.

Short description:
Reserved and cautious. Attracted to politics. Selective, earthy, success comes by means of other people, who recognize her qualities.
Weaknesses: material worries, savings, restrictions. Does not get carried away by love.

House:
Moon in VII

Marriage is very important for her, for better and for worse. Cannot stand being alone. Likes business relationships.


Aspect:
5 Sextile Moon - Jupiter

She is generally pleasantly composed, due to an inner sense of harmony and emotional balance. She is optimistic--and realistically so, most of the time--which contributes to her overall "luck". She is able to get a real perspective on emotional matters that not only benefits her outlook, she is able to offer support to others when needed. Broad-mindedness is a wonderful characteristic. Quick to find humor in situations, she is generally warm and fun to be around. Deep down, she believes in the basic goodness of people and of life in general, and this basic and natural attitude helps her to attract positive circumstances and to make good connections. One of her best qualities is tolerance. Usually, she doesn't take life too seriously in the sense that she believes in having a bit of fun. her hunches are more often than not bang-on.

She is frank, honest, optimistic and generous. She likes good cooking, her comforts. Her friendships are sincere. She is a worker and knows how to surround herself with the right people: she is appreciated at work.

--> From Cafe Astrology

"The energies that were active in the atmosphere at the exact moment of your birth were stamped on the cellular level of your very being and remain a part of you during this lifetime. Your birthchart is actually a schematic: a graph that shows this "inner wiring" you were born with, but what you do with that wiring is up to you." - Jan Spiller

~Astrology is the study of planetary movements in relation to the intangible energies exposed into the universe by humankind. Personalities & experiences are two such coloured energies, as seen through a microscopic world.~

Twenty-Seven / It is Time

It is time to make a stand.
To insist upon the style of living that I want for my life without hesitation and guilt.
It is time to take action.
To insist upon the way of living that makes sense to me despite perhaps not making sense to others.
It is time to stand tall.
To no longer be apologetic for who I really am and what I really think and want to say.
It is time to embrace myself.
To love who I am whole-heartedly not just when I am alone but all the god damn bloody time.
It is time to truly smile.
To see with real humour the things going on around me and to have be seen back with precision.
It is time to EXIST.

- And so I begin my 27th year and since every fresh beginning should be commemorated with sweet honesty, I will declare the reason for this entry in all its honesty and express that shall I come out of the next few days heartbroken and devastated by the lost of my family, I know that it is still the reality of the exact situation, without my interference in changing myself, pretending to be a person that they expected me to be and swallowing the person they cannot accept. At least I will know whether they loved me for me.

I have always been unconventional in thought and deed. The word 'unconventional' though was just one noted when I relate how I am to others but there is really no strong reaction or rebellion in me except when I see injustice in certain concepts, especially when this injustice invades my existence. I do not see myself as unconventional in any way because to me how I am is actually what the natural flow of things decide and how I see the way a lot of other people are looks frequently to be patterned to a ritualistic and meaningless self-imposed mode of behaviour.

As a child whenever I appeared to be different or express differing thoughts from the norm, it was stamped out immediately by my mother. It was extremely suffocating especially since she was such a neurotic and over-controlling character. She would bother about everything regarding how I do my hair, what I wear, what I eat blarr... to the bloodiest, deepest end. And I could feel that every bit of me was being changed to suit her likes and dislikes. I could not even decorate my room in the way I would like to express myself.

I have always had a lot to express and methods of doing so. I loved to sing. I loved to write, to dance, to explore the mind in discussions. Singing she never hindered me. The few times that she did, I was stunned for an instant because a lot of the time I don't realise I was even singing, but then I will make myself disregard the interruption and just continue singing again. I think she didn't stop me much because she enjoyed that I could sing and she did like hearing me sing. Writing she could not stop me. How do you stop something like that? And it was my saving grace in school. My love for language and the prowess I showed in it was the only reason I could do well without putting effort into the education process. She did read my diaries and letters and other stuff though but I wasn't put off enough to change the content of my expressive writings much. I really needed the expressions I held dear, because everything else was so darn suppressed.

And in that suppression and that lack of appreciation for my character, my life outside was thus affected. Although I did use the world outside my home as another outlet to escape the prison that was my home, because of the lack of acceptance of my Self at home, I was unable to be entirely confident and accepting of myself outside. Thus whenever I meet a new person although I do begin by happily being comfortable and myself and all that but the moment I notice any discomfort in the other, I will start becoming more and more accomodating till I am an entire other person. And at home the lies begin to build up more and more into an entire fantasy story.

I actually hate lying, so as far as possible I will make the lie as close to the truth - right to the point it is just barely acceptable to my mother. It is a lot of weighing on my part on not compromising myself too much and accomodation to my mother. Because having to lie is compromising who I am - that I have to change myself. It is not healthy to my sense of self. And perhaps for others telling everyday lies might be pretty much a normal part of communication, I actually get rather ticked off by the whole idea as that part of me that enjoys sorting out the bias in things realises the lie is to allow the other and the masses' perceptive world to be untarnished and kept intact. And in turn, my world of personal splendour and beautiful concepts will be smaller and possibly could become lost.

Well anyway, this could not go on forever. My alternate lifestyle would come to surface sooner or later and a few days before my 27th birthday everything came to a boiling point. And honestly if I didn't have Isaac as a soulmate and fellow explorer, perhaps I would have caved in to the overpowering external energies and never have brought any action to my beliefs which would have deemed me empty and jaded in life although with nothing to expose to my parents thus no problem now. I am glad that I made the decisions that I did impartially and never allowed the influence of my parents to come into play. I really adore the life I have been living since we have come together and I am full of enthusiasm, direction and love for everything... then the wisdom and the learnings ventured... I am so blessed.

Isaac was like a symbollic reminder of the biggest wall I have put up. I have been escaping from the reality of the situation long enough. The way I want to live is simply too difficult for my mother to accept and I know it and have been pretending when I am with her that I am not that persona, and when I am not with her that she is ok with the persona. If there wasn't symbollic Isaac, I do not know how long I would have continued being two-faced with myself and my family life. But then if there wasn't Isaac, there would be something else that I would have to face up to in the end, because I have never given in to being the person my mother wants me to be when I am alone anyhow.

And so she found out I am with a guy of another race. A race she has condemned to be con-artists and irritants and dirty and disgusting. And every bit of her racist dreg I am meant to agree with so as to prove my filial piety! I am so much the anti-thesis of the racist person, or the anything-cist person whatever the fuck that this repells me absolutely. I rarely notice the skin colour of the person in terms of them being another fucking species altogether and I always get shocked by the discrimination some people think they have the right to express just because they are the majority race in a particular place, and then getting all righteous and indignant when they are treated the same elsewhere. Worse is when they start feeling dignified about their sweeping statements about an entire race of people, missing out individualism altogether and with that very reason that they themselves were discriminated against by that race in a rare situation when they were the minority.

Truth is I am very ashamed of her. I want to be brutally honest with myself today. However how I am going to approach this is to accept her as she is and also to be patient with guiding her in this matter, so I am first trying to stop being affected by her so very very much so as to be a calmer self with her. This is extremely difficult because she is quite a tyrant in her ways and I spent a lot of my childhood being fearful of being hit and till I was quite old I was still receiving blows every now and again. There was once she even threw something really heavy at my forehead. Despite what she thinks, I am actually seriously afraid of her.

It's just that I do not back down. I do not want to be cowered into doing her will. It's weak to be like that and I do not want to be weak. And the last thing left is to expose the remaining lies that I HAVE to tell because when I told her the truth, she refused to listen. And started slapping me everywhere violently and there was no compromise from her side ever but the only option given was her way or none at all. I have planned the revealing of certain parts of my life at strategic ages because the younger I am the more power she has over me and if I had told her about Isaac when I was 21 and we were only a year into the relationship, she would have used very drastic measures to totally stop us from being together. I valued my freedom and I wanted our relationship to progress without the bias of this interruption. Most of all, it was very clear to the both of us that what we have was very rare and should be treasured dearly.

It's reunion dinner day tomorrow. It will be the first reunion dinner that I will not be with my family. I will miss them but I have to make my stand. This is the only way. I have to disengage myself from them till I am ready in a lot of areas. I suspect Isaac is psychologically rather stressed about the matter as well and its horrible that he has to be put through such heavy discrimination when as my other half he should be cared for and loved by my parents as well. Imagine being unable to show yourself to your other half's family because of your skin colour. It's a horrible, horrible predicament. Colour is not anything you can improve or change and it's actually something you should unconditionally love about yourself. And I am sure that since on his own he's already so despised and disliked by them, he wants to meet them only when we are more stable and financially set so that they wouldn't dismiss him as some half-fucked Indian guy and thus feel really lousy about himself.

I don't understand and I don't want to understand these racist people. The Indian culture is intense yes... its full of colour, full of intoxicating incense, full of visually stimulating gods and a people who act with passion and intensity. Yet it is another culture of people after all... of course they are different. Their culture's beauty can only be understood if you are able to understand. But then again, why should anyone under the racially Indian umbrella be totally associated with the culture? I am racially Chinese and I do not think of myself as Chinese most of the time except to write on the info sheet when I do need to fill that in. Isaac and I question every tradition and live spiritually in the world we have created. This same beautiful world that we both share and only we understand. We saw this in each other from the start and we've been through so much together and yet nothing could even be remotely said to be a test of relationship. We have just merged into one and have faced life together ever since, learning from each other and making our dreams and world materialise bit by bit.

Yes, it is time. I need to make my stand. And be firm. Be strong.

An advance Happy New Year to anyone who follows the Lunar Calendar.

Love

The interconnectivity of all that exists
A divine energy living in the subconscious
Perhaps the myth of Mother Earth explained
Dramatised, romanticised and so thus simplified
Peaking in the sexual nature of creation.

We think love is something that can be manipulated
That it could transform to hate,
That it could diminish or increase
But that is a concept tainted by the ego,
By moods, by circumstance and by logic.
Universal love is the only meaning to love
The invisible viscosity that binds everything together.

Relationships often over-glorify the sacred word
When you appreciate, understand, love, you connect.
And so your mind plugs in to the workings of the universe
But your soul has always been there. It is part and the same.
Yet this recognition makes you stronger
This knowledge of your cosmic bigger self
And then there are those rare beautiful connections
And as the inner potential begins to open up one by one
Genius, inspiration & action spill forth

We can only begin to understand what love is with wisdom
Yet within our instincts we already know
The simplest man as the wisest man
Living by the knowledge that all is known
And the more we know, the more we not know.

Love is the space between
Love is the smile exchanged
Love is the kiss of life
Love is the consumation of two
Love is quintessentially YOU



We are all part of the universe, and we are the only thing we know god to be. The beginning and the end.

...

It seems ironic that after writing to discard 'self-doubt' on that meditation sheet, I am now swimming against waves of endless self-doubt after self-doubt. Knowing what wisdom is isn't providing much movement in terms of physical actions. The problem lying on the analytical abuse of meaningful things, extremity entering so subtly that once observable, we understand how much baggage we have actually imposed upon our instincts.

It's one thing to analyse the ins and the outs of what instincts mean and contain, it's another to pick it to pieces and label it before using it. It is the human condition after all and should only be studied fully together. Spiritual studies done the other way around where studying it comes first then if it makes sense - apply, only confuses matters with its focus swung into the wrong space.

Self-doubt is the product of the ego. If the ego was non-existent, every little journey will not be qualified and contained within those small unimportant details of self-doubting self-indulgence. Everything just leads to another learning process to another more beautiful existence to a greater, greater self. There's no beating yourself up for the mistakes that you make because you understand yourself and you understand why you made them. There's no perverse endless cycles of selfdoubt rushing in - beating up oneself - selfdoubt about the selfdoubts - beating oneself up again - selfdoubts about the beating up of oneself - beating up oneself yet again...

In that wisdom of truth, there is only light, the darkness always gets pushed behind once it becomes the darkness, and the newfound light is always in front. This light isn't optismism, it isn't hope, it doesn't signify new phases or change. It is the rebirthing process of knowledge, the knowledge that is in the ether and everywhere. The dimming of the light represents the absorption of the understanding deep into the soul and the new light - the new soul that emerges, fresh and yet old, so timeless in essence bringing with it all the ages that have lived in you and the final state of you now.

In this moment, I have exhausted myself to perfection and require the rest enough to recharge, but since I cannot do so at this time, I am in that place where the mind is so unable to connect with the heart to find meaning, I am in the 'lullaby' zone - half-asleep, half-awake yet it's not a state of slowness really, or daydreaming. What it is is actually a meditative point of rest the vulnerability of which, opens portals to higher potentiality. The body enforces this over the mind when the desire to stay awake is stronger than the body's silent voice. It forces this meditative dreamstate for rest to touch the body. And the essence of yourself becomes louder as you recognise how connected you are, but you already knew. Just as you know all things.

Trust. Your innate intelligence. If we don't over-think, we always know. Our thoughts tend to develop from the all-knowing, all-accepting wisdom to a comparative, relative, measurement. In this drift, comparisons will be missing the point altogether. Worlds can be found just in the appreciation of one being, an individualistic expreience. It makes no sense to find deviations and lines between two individuals because you will be missing out on the dimentiality of each item, each subject, each single existence. They are meant to be art pieces, studied, felt - expressed.

It is still enlightening and so much a part of being a seeker though to dissect characters & situations etc, like how we do for literature texts, and see the workings of human flaws and structures. It teaches so much, makes you horribly indignant about the inconsistency of society's thoughts and actions and thus love life all the more terribly because it is just so wonderfully intricate and complex. Yet in this sense it works because it is done to answer specific questions that all lead up to one bigger point of understanding thus, a separate topic from that of the individual's art piece of itself. And an individual piece itself.

I think my answer lies in leaving things be. I have to start doing that some time. I am missing out on the show... this fantastical show of life.

...


"Being never develops. Being simply is. There is no evolution, there is no time involved in it. It is eternity, it is not "becoming." Spiritually, you never develop; you cannot. As far as the ultimate goal is concerned, you are already there. You have never been anywhere else."
- Osho

City of Ember - A Review

(This is my reflection of the fantasy's concept so I am not particularly analysing the book nor the film in its art form.)

The idea isn't new. That humankind is in mortal danger from some form of great disaster and have to flee to an underground region for safety. It's the emotion of fear in the entrapment of darkness that is developed to a certain degree and fresh here.



The last surviving people on earth have only seen the underground city the original builders created more than 200 years ago. They have no knowledge about where they are in relation to the planet and their only source of light is generated by electricity which has been increasingly faulty as the years went by. As the blackouts get more frequent and the time spent waiting in the darkness became more and more unbearable, the quintessential questions of survival are revived and we see how the old, the young, the jaded, and those that are stuck in an endless monotony without any desire or motive to change - we see how they handle the dire situation, internally and externally. Then there are those who cling on to a comatosed yet happy world of song and religious togetherness. They seem outside of the mess, in an alternate state, but instead of being truly delivered from the material aspect of life, they simply appear zombiefied and entirely out of point. There is insanity in their total lack of coherence for the reality that is unfolding sturdily into the minds of all and the depth of the fear they are showing (by not showing) must be so immeasureable that they have to escape into such profound opposite to extremity.

It is the two protagonists that keep humankind in check. They are focused on finding a way out of the eternal condemnation to darkness and as they keep on moving with hearts aflamed with that desire, they eventually solved the seemingly unsolveable problem. And these are strong personalities, diffusing a father who is jaded yet brilliant and imposes his fears & negativity unto his son. The love for his father, the respect for their similar brand of genius, the regret for his loss in contribution to the society and the frustration with his insecurities and lost of hope - these influences could have been a distraction for that bright boy alight with a beautiful fire inside him, but he kept his head and his dream and pushed on. The girl left alone with her baby sister and a grandma who became mentally ill had so much on her shoulders and still kept that youthful exuberance and positivity which requires so much strength and will. Along with that was the sad memory of her parents as shown when she played back the recording of her parents' voices for her little sister everynight for her to sleep, and the underlying curiosity and mystery of the circumstances surrounding their demise.

The fantasy element and colour in the movie also gave height to the experience of the film. It injected humour in its own way to help us look at the situation in an objective yet clear manner, standing as the third person only so very involved - intrigued.

All in all, wonderfully done and suitable for all ages. Not everyone would be as in love with it. It depends on how much you enjoy grounding yourself and how much you enjoy flight. Go watch and decide.

Where's My Center?

~The center is the place where you are immensely in love with yourself. And you are a part of the ether, and you are the ether.~

I need to fulfill my dreams. I have to do what I say and create my world with my magical wand. My magic must be done. No matter what happens - even if the sky crashes down and the cows graze on the other side of the atmosphere - I have to do this very thing!

This does not mean I will have to burn down my village, kill all my loved ones and smother their dreams if that is required to get my way. It means I will find a way no matter what, albeit other alternatives if others have to be sacrificed. But why am I even musing about this? I do not have the practice of creating my happiness in the expense of others. But, I do have a strong guilt complex. And the happier I am, the more I feel guilty on a subconscious level.

This has to go.

There is not space in the course of an action plan to be weighed down by irrational guilt. It is a deceivingly small stone that accumulates debris quickly enough into a large boulder. It is psychological warfare within myself. The largest obstacle to becoming the best of myself. It distracts the centering force that could be honed, and thus blurs the mind. It is the bane of all banes.

The center is the place where I am immensely in love with myself. Guilt and self-blame destroys that holy ground. It ruins the connection I have with the ether and prevents me from expanding further into one with the universe. The trappings of self-imposed emotional prisons are psychotic episodes of deep lull yet in the climax of this great bubble of feeling, creativity abounds - as such is the power of the human mind and spirit. Yet it is only the first few prisons that produces genius. If rebirth does not occur subsequently, it is just a robotic chain of meaninglessness.

The longer I remain in the center, the easier it is not to guilt and blame the Self. I will see that everything was done as it had to be done in that space and time. And sometimes an expected result occur and sometimes an unexpected one does. Life is a cinematic adventure to watch, to observe and to learn. And the only emotions that are true here is the one of interest, of delight, of splendour, of sympathy, of understanding, of joy... of love. All culminating together in one big celebratory dance of pure living.

I have to root myself down to my center. And stay there forever and ever.

Inside the Mind of the Mind

When clarity escapes us in whatever degree, do we yearn for it, search for it or do we just bask darkly in the haze that surrounds us, sadistically embracing the emotions that lie in that negative state. Perhaps it is the search that caused such perverse internal debauchery. Maybe in the over-thought of desiring clarity, clarity is lost.

Over-thought - the biggest bane in my life. If at all my hopes and dreams are dashed there can be no other reason but this. The paralysis of over-analysis. I must be the worst of all over-thinkers. The most dramatic victim of the source of self-doubt and self-question. The instinctive flows of my talents has one by one collapsed into nothingness as though it has never existed for me.

For talent requires deep confidence and a full self. It is performed in a long, deep breath, without interruption from the heart that isn't still, the opinions of others or any neurotically enforced patterned behaviour. Systems can only abolish the genius in things when it is enforced to reduce thinking but in reality, systems of this manner are just products of over-thought and thus do not work at all. If true genius is in play, there is no energy spent in over-thought but everything will flow beautifully without slaving away at all.

I say this like it is such an easy concept to practice and it is, but when consistency and reguliarity comes into play that is when it stumps me. How does one do something so special day in and out without over-complicating its naturality? I want to achieve this. I want to be this. I want to be in form perpetually and so I need to unlock its secrets. I need to be able to look at something from its freshest angle over and over again. I cannot be jaded, or tired or distracted in any way. I have to be consumed with love for the thing. And like how I never ruin the enjoyments I love most with excess, I should respect my talents in the very same way. But of course I will not willingly destroy art into addiction. The first time it ever happened was because it became a job and I HAD to do it repeatedly. Otherwise it will only be inspiration and expression that blew me its way. And for a long while inspiration was never a problem, until this issue I am whining about came into being - analysis paralysis. And then there was no longer any semblance of true inspiration and I was left only with that weird patterned behaviour.

Look at this piece of writing. It began in five lines to five lines and then I started to really write or did I? It is scary to be jailed in that strange place where nothing makes sense and everything looks to be moving in a robotic fashion. Fear is deeply alive in here. But I have to work this place out. I have to work it out IN HERE. I have to tackle the beast within the beast so as to come out truly victorious and unafraid no more.

Whatever the answer is, it has to keep the love for the talents beating strong. It has to fend off all negative emotions by filling the spaces with positive breathing ones. How do I not sink into the depressions of my problems when my inner core is so damaged I have to fight to keep the love for what I thought so personally mine it will never be at risk?

Silence please, my oh my raging mind. Please quieten down. I'm afraid of your endless movements. I have no clue what to do. I think the main problem is that I am not honest with myself. Not thorough with whatever I am feeling. I should acknowledge my excitements, my nervousness, my worries, my joys and all my swallowed emotions. Because only once I do that can I clearly remove it or use it in my system. If I do not acknowledge its existence, I could only be holding a mess of its reality and the reality I desire. Which will never be any state of clarity.

It is clarity which will give me all of the heart and the mind's brain power. The colundrum of the two beating as one. And the two at balance will give me clarity. A paradox that is as simple as breathing in and out, and as easily messed up as when breathing is over-watched, over-thought.

(Ok, the thought of over-thinking breathing puts me in a smothering and deeply silent paranoia which is too scary to face, so let's stop here.)