...

It seems ironic that after writing to discard 'self-doubt' on that meditation sheet, I am now swimming against waves of endless self-doubt after self-doubt. Knowing what wisdom is isn't providing much movement in terms of physical actions. The problem lying on the analytical abuse of meaningful things, extremity entering so subtly that once observable, we understand how much baggage we have actually imposed upon our instincts.

It's one thing to analyse the ins and the outs of what instincts mean and contain, it's another to pick it to pieces and label it before using it. It is the human condition after all and should only be studied fully together. Spiritual studies done the other way around where studying it comes first then if it makes sense - apply, only confuses matters with its focus swung into the wrong space.

Self-doubt is the product of the ego. If the ego was non-existent, every little journey will not be qualified and contained within those small unimportant details of self-doubting self-indulgence. Everything just leads to another learning process to another more beautiful existence to a greater, greater self. There's no beating yourself up for the mistakes that you make because you understand yourself and you understand why you made them. There's no perverse endless cycles of selfdoubt rushing in - beating up oneself - selfdoubt about the selfdoubts - beating oneself up again - selfdoubts about the beating up of oneself - beating up oneself yet again...

In that wisdom of truth, there is only light, the darkness always gets pushed behind once it becomes the darkness, and the newfound light is always in front. This light isn't optismism, it isn't hope, it doesn't signify new phases or change. It is the rebirthing process of knowledge, the knowledge that is in the ether and everywhere. The dimming of the light represents the absorption of the understanding deep into the soul and the new light - the new soul that emerges, fresh and yet old, so timeless in essence bringing with it all the ages that have lived in you and the final state of you now.

In this moment, I have exhausted myself to perfection and require the rest enough to recharge, but since I cannot do so at this time, I am in that place where the mind is so unable to connect with the heart to find meaning, I am in the 'lullaby' zone - half-asleep, half-awake yet it's not a state of slowness really, or daydreaming. What it is is actually a meditative point of rest the vulnerability of which, opens portals to higher potentiality. The body enforces this over the mind when the desire to stay awake is stronger than the body's silent voice. It forces this meditative dreamstate for rest to touch the body. And the essence of yourself becomes louder as you recognise how connected you are, but you already knew. Just as you know all things.

Trust. Your innate intelligence. If we don't over-think, we always know. Our thoughts tend to develop from the all-knowing, all-accepting wisdom to a comparative, relative, measurement. In this drift, comparisons will be missing the point altogether. Worlds can be found just in the appreciation of one being, an individualistic expreience. It makes no sense to find deviations and lines between two individuals because you will be missing out on the dimentiality of each item, each subject, each single existence. They are meant to be art pieces, studied, felt - expressed.

It is still enlightening and so much a part of being a seeker though to dissect characters & situations etc, like how we do for literature texts, and see the workings of human flaws and structures. It teaches so much, makes you horribly indignant about the inconsistency of society's thoughts and actions and thus love life all the more terribly because it is just so wonderfully intricate and complex. Yet in this sense it works because it is done to answer specific questions that all lead up to one bigger point of understanding thus, a separate topic from that of the individual's art piece of itself. And an individual piece itself.

I think my answer lies in leaving things be. I have to start doing that some time. I am missing out on the show... this fantastical show of life.

...


"Being never develops. Being simply is. There is no evolution, there is no time involved in it. It is eternity, it is not "becoming." Spiritually, you never develop; you cannot. As far as the ultimate goal is concerned, you are already there. You have never been anywhere else."
- Osho