The Colors of Friendship (Badge/Award)

- The Colors of Friendship Badge, gifted by ndpthepoetress - the owner of a beautiful blogsite dedicated to the creativity of writing and the mind.

I am to pass this token of friendship on to five deserving friends in the blogosphere so here goes:

1. Jim


2. Red Dirt Scribbler


3. Absolute Vanilla


4. Goatman


5. Princess Haiku

These are all bloggers whom I feel have that special sparkle of life, intensely in tuned with that magical something that exists between the heart and the mind.

***

Friendship to me happens when a spiritual connection is formed between two parties. This could be a thought unsaid but shared about something you each understood separately but intricately. This could also be conversation after conversation that is so well woven together that it brings you to new heights of discovery.

Nevertheless, this friendship can only become stronger length wise if both parties trust each other. This trust is the belief in the other's ability to make his or her own decision and then the knowledge that whatever they chose to do is the best they can do around their circumstance at each given time. Friends see the enormous potential in each other but understand and love who you are right now as well. This love is the all-encompassing one non-judgmental of what is right and wrong but sees the individuality and flexibility of character. In fact, the word 'character' does not exist for it seeks to define what does not need to be. We can be anything and true friends see that. Basically this all means that within true friendships self-righteousness cannot persist.

More often than not when we think to confide in someone, hoping to share an emotion so as to connect on a deeper level, the response tend to come in advice of "shoulds" and "should nots". The confidante has stepped into your shoes in attempt to be close, but then stepped away with the detached observations of unforgiving analysis. True closeness is not this disrespect to the journey of another's life. It is a connection with the emotion shared, a sensation felt completely, and then both persons let go of it together. No lingering thought about it that can build up to an assumption of the character of the sharing party. This is authentic closeness when people know how to share their lives without invasion.

~

There are many indications to me that I am constantly stressed and how deep-rooted this tension is. I grind my teeth while sleeping everyday, and when I am awake my jaw is clenched down. I play with my nails incessantly and so they are pretty sensitive and break easily. When I talk to people I am generally hyperactive and nervous, and show this either by talking too much or talking too little (usually the first). And I am all of this despite being very conscious of how happy I am with my life.

I am totally in love with my life. I am living my dreams and moving forward all the time, and there are many gifts bestowed upon me that so many people take a lifetime to find. I have found the perfect other half whose very presence unveiled a greater reality to me. As an employee I have had the most amazing job becoming the editor of a creative magazine having a large say in the philosophical topics to express. As an employer I am slowly but surely forming system after system and it is so exciting and real that I am awfully glad I made this brave step in my life. I am just absolutely thrilled with all the things I have planned to do and have learnt and am still learning.

So why in spite of all my happiness, my subconscious is still grinding and picking at my nerves?

I began a wild child, constantly questioning things around me, unwilling to accept the norm to be the easy truth. I did what I wanted to do, felt a lot for everything and watched it all. And my independence was as constantly being watched and stamped out by an overly anxious mother. When I hooked one leg over the other at a young age, she told me accusingly not to do that as I looked vain. Whatever I chose to wear she would overeactively nitpick over it and most times I would have to return to my room to change out of my outfit feeling a sense of shame at my proposed vainness. Yet it took a long while for me to back down. When she told me what a girl should or should not do, I demanded a good reason as to why there should be these differences all steeped in limiting me. We argued and fought incessantly for a long, long time. And truth be told I do not remember a single affectionate moment shared between us during my childhood. All I can recall is a cloud of depressing suppression that smothered me, a sensation that I understood but could not define at that age.

As I grew older I got tired of fighting as my mother would not let up at all. Her way, her laws and her life was to be as she wanted it to be, and that included how I behaved, how I thought and how I am. There was no room for meeting in the middle. It was her way or none at all. One day, I decided once and for all that I did not want this unhappiness to continue. When I yielded it was in love for her, in love of peace and with the desire to grow, for the monotony was eating into me, but that moment was the moment I lost my wild fiery self.

Already I was becoming a nervous child, consistently second guessing myself and making mistakes because of that, and then going into a mood berating myself and the mess that I am because of the whole confusion of action. It was hard not to be like that when my movements are so watched and judged and corrected. It was difficult to make decisions firmly unafraid to fail. I knew my real self was fearless and in events where mistakes occurred outside of my mother's reach I used it to my advantage. However, as time went along and she usurped every space in my free willing spirit, I no longer had this private decision making space, for even there I hear her invading voice.

And today, even when I am filled with happiness and empowered by my own independant lifestyle, there exists this creeping feeling of worry that comes over me every second that it gets too quiet. The now enlarged sense that everything that I have built my life up to could have been a huge, devastating mistake and when I finally realise it, it would be too late, would have me sink, sink, sink into the great dark abyss of endless misery whenever I allow this suspicion to envelope me. No matter how ridiculous this might sound to my rational mind, it takes awhile to get rid of the feeling to come to that rational place. After that the whole sickening notion of why I am still at this state when I have already traveled so far in learning about the transient nature of life will overwhelm and leave me gasping for some form of saving grace. It is just that repetitive cycle of self-doubt and nothingness.

I am still struggling to get rid of this childhood bane. But I have only just discovered it. I only got here because I have finally reached the point where action has shown itself to be the trusting of instincts and I saw that my instincts are covered up by this flurrying nervous energy. And then I connected my tensed teeth-grinding and nail picking. And then I saw how etched in this inner tension was. And so I studied the history of how it came about. But now lies the question:

How do I get rid of this unnecessary and senseless stress once and for all?

~

How I have defined a true friendship is what all relationships should be. The base of any relationship is friendship. Trust and love, and all I have expressed of it. In view of this definition I can choose my friends accordingly but this could mean I could end up with no friends at all, for creating this kind of optimal relationship requires both to be in that mentality and first of all necessitates the understanding of what a relationship should be. Therefore cutting off friends who have not that outlook on friendship is not the answer, but perhaps my own living of that example could be.

With family it is even more so this way, for it is not a matter of choose and cut here at all. We cannot choose our family and we cannot cut our ties. And if only I live my example and let that reign over any other perception, I do not see why I should collapse into a state of tension any longer. As I become more trusting and loving, and naturally accepting that trusting and loving is the way it should be, subtly but surely that world would become realer and realer for me. Which is what is truly important. My reality.

And so I would no longer shiver in a bundle of nervous worries, my sanity cracking as the minutes ticked by. I would be healed with each effort I put into creating my reality. Becoming more comfortable and relaxed as I spin my own web of fate. There is nothing to worry in this moment for I trust my family without needing to analyse, just by instinct and just by love. And I know that deep down inside they do trust and love me the way I know is perfect. Most of all, deep down inside I trust and love me.