Inside the Mind of the Mind

When clarity escapes us in whatever degree, do we yearn for it, search for it or do we just bask darkly in the haze that surrounds us, sadistically embracing the emotions that lie in that negative state. Perhaps it is the search that caused such perverse internal debauchery. Maybe in the over-thought of desiring clarity, clarity is lost.

Over-thought - the biggest bane in my life. If at all my hopes and dreams are dashed there can be no other reason but this. The paralysis of over-analysis. I must be the worst of all over-thinkers. The most dramatic victim of the source of self-doubt and self-question. The instinctive flows of my talents has one by one collapsed into nothingness as though it has never existed for me.

For talent requires deep confidence and a full self. It is performed in a long, deep breath, without interruption from the heart that isn't still, the opinions of others or any neurotically enforced patterned behaviour. Systems can only abolish the genius in things when it is enforced to reduce thinking but in reality, systems of this manner are just products of over-thought and thus do not work at all. If true genius is in play, there is no energy spent in over-thought but everything will flow beautifully without slaving away at all.

I say this like it is such an easy concept to practice and it is, but when consistency and reguliarity comes into play that is when it stumps me. How does one do something so special day in and out without over-complicating its naturality? I want to achieve this. I want to be this. I want to be in form perpetually and so I need to unlock its secrets. I need to be able to look at something from its freshest angle over and over again. I cannot be jaded, or tired or distracted in any way. I have to be consumed with love for the thing. And like how I never ruin the enjoyments I love most with excess, I should respect my talents in the very same way. But of course I will not willingly destroy art into addiction. The first time it ever happened was because it became a job and I HAD to do it repeatedly. Otherwise it will only be inspiration and expression that blew me its way. And for a long while inspiration was never a problem, until this issue I am whining about came into being - analysis paralysis. And then there was no longer any semblance of true inspiration and I was left only with that weird patterned behaviour.

Look at this piece of writing. It began in five lines to five lines and then I started to really write or did I? It is scary to be jailed in that strange place where nothing makes sense and everything looks to be moving in a robotic fashion. Fear is deeply alive in here. But I have to work this place out. I have to work it out IN HERE. I have to tackle the beast within the beast so as to come out truly victorious and unafraid no more.

Whatever the answer is, it has to keep the love for the talents beating strong. It has to fend off all negative emotions by filling the spaces with positive breathing ones. How do I not sink into the depressions of my problems when my inner core is so damaged I have to fight to keep the love for what I thought so personally mine it will never be at risk?

Silence please, my oh my raging mind. Please quieten down. I'm afraid of your endless movements. I have no clue what to do. I think the main problem is that I am not honest with myself. Not thorough with whatever I am feeling. I should acknowledge my excitements, my nervousness, my worries, my joys and all my swallowed emotions. Because only once I do that can I clearly remove it or use it in my system. If I do not acknowledge its existence, I could only be holding a mess of its reality and the reality I desire. Which will never be any state of clarity.

It is clarity which will give me all of the heart and the mind's brain power. The colundrum of the two beating as one. And the two at balance will give me clarity. A paradox that is as simple as breathing in and out, and as easily messed up as when breathing is over-watched, over-thought.

(Ok, the thought of over-thinking breathing puts me in a smothering and deeply silent paranoia which is too scary to face, so let's stop here.)

In Between the Dark & Light

In between the dark and light is fear.

numbing, crazy sensation that stems from an irrational place
it overwhelms you, drowns you in a mist of strangeness

yet in everything there must be balance,
so the lack of it explains the fear

in any moment of self-doubt or self-dislike,
the irrational culturedly phases in, in sharp pokes

and then again it is only a snap of the fingers away,
this difference of dark and light.

In between the dark and light is fear.

this fear creeps into the guilty part of yourself
and have you cry into the corners of your mind
wondering and alarmed, scattered and afraid.

if you could only calm that part of yourself down
you would be like anybody else,
safe, sheltered, unharmed
but are there such persons at all?

we are madly lost in the sorrows of war.
our primitive instinct creeping up like the way fear does
our inner groove lost in this deepening sorrow

where its safe and untouched by dirty hands
the inner city of tranquility and hereby:
excitement uncontained and quiet familiarity of the unknown
unknown no longer a source of fear (irration)

In between the dark and light is fear.

-Written between the slumbers and the cigarette cocktail-

The Winds

There is that indescribable energy that coexists with and within us all, dancing around the bend and appearing a quantum leap away sometimes. You must wait for it, prepare for it, smile at it, play with it so as to be able to find yourself standing at that magical place where everything is of the same perspective as everything else. You can never plan something totally forgetting it because your goals will not be reached at all whereas if you plan something completely respecting this energy, your goals will be met and more. This energy exists like how the wind is among us, moving things, breathing life, spilling magic. You must be at one with it to enjoy it, to enjoy life, to experience fully. If you see it as something to break free from you will have lost the point altogether yet those who do not even know of its existence are worser off as they would be thoroughly lost in ignorance.



This wind cannot be in the focus nor in the background. It cannot be analysed nor forgotten. It must be placed in perfect harmony with your decisions, your movements or else it will destroy every moment. This seems tricky but is actually simple because simplicity is the key to getting this right. Here is the actual tricky part: the winds of others. Some people are stormy, destructive winds for others and some people are calming and inspirational winds for some. It is the same theory but more emotional here because your own energy might be read wrongly by others when it should not be read at all. Once that happens and ego sets in, your grasp on the windy movements will be disrupted and your bearing and demeanour will undergo a change in substratum where the focus of everything moves around the hurt or frustration that is caused by the disalignment of the two winds.



With the energy that circulates the entire of existence I can remove my ego from it. I can take its hand and jump around in gleeful merriment. I know it does not judge me nor find judgement of any importance in living. It sees me and even if it doesn't, I know it sees itself. And somehow in that knowledge, it does not matter anymore because all I wanted was the truth. The truth of balanced thought over the truth of the limited circumstance. It is the winds of people that I am most fearful of. The evil that can be stormed up in an instance of insecure weakness. The thoughts and impressions that can be set for a lifetime due to an idealistic method of creating the world. Yet the vulnerability that lies within their hearts is what most breaks me for it can open itself so achingly to the enemy, using blood to draw him in, and then in one orgasmic release, shatter every bone in the enemy's body.



Most people might think it easier to handle the winds of others. I find it tough because the moment I embrace their energies I lose sight of the focus. Being sympathetic towards their cause might sacrifice my perfect self, and thus the inequality expels my friendship with the all-prevailing wind. For them who find it easier to manipulate the winds of people, theirs is no less unequal for the conceited self presides over the hearts of others. Anything can only become equal when there's any third item to the pair. Both focused on something else like a project or a thought.



Over all, I see that being strictly meditative and centered will mean to keep the focus as the vision, the method at the forefront, the camaraderie for the moments and music in the background. And that is how I shall keep my winds friendly all around. :)

The Healing Immersion of the Present 2008

The healing immersion of the present

Cleanses the emotion of the past

Creates episodes in memory

Beautiful and complex

Monumented in our minds

Detached from our souls

The healing immersion of the present

Purifies the worry of the future

Lets it come as it will

Enjoys the unknown, unbiased

Structures plans and ideas

All ready for embarkment or evolvement

The healing immersion of the present

Allows you to feel the entirety of the now

Gets you in the funk of it all

Creativity and imagination totally lived

This is the only way there can be no regret

For there is nothing unfelt, unthought or undone

We are the observers of the magical chaotic order

A part of the cosmic experience

We are the intelligent emotional energy

That exist with the rest of the universe

Yesterday's pain shall be yesterday's beauty

Tomorrow's stress shall be tomorrow's to decide

Today's pizazz shall be today's pizazz...

~The colourful mounting of curious winds to commemorate the day I was born. To be born again is the best thing to learn and relearn this year.~

The Colors of Friendship (Badge/Award)

- The Colors of Friendship Badge, gifted by ndpthepoetress - the owner of a beautiful blogsite dedicated to the creativity of writing and the mind.

I am to pass this token of friendship on to five deserving friends in the blogosphere so here goes:

1. Jim


2. Red Dirt Scribbler


3. Absolute Vanilla


4. Goatman


5. Princess Haiku

These are all bloggers whom I feel have that special sparkle of life, intensely in tuned with that magical something that exists between the heart and the mind.

***

Friendship to me happens when a spiritual connection is formed between two parties. This could be a thought unsaid but shared about something you each understood separately but intricately. This could also be conversation after conversation that is so well woven together that it brings you to new heights of discovery.

Nevertheless, this friendship can only become stronger length wise if both parties trust each other. This trust is the belief in the other's ability to make his or her own decision and then the knowledge that whatever they chose to do is the best they can do around their circumstance at each given time. Friends see the enormous potential in each other but understand and love who you are right now as well. This love is the all-encompassing one non-judgmental of what is right and wrong but sees the individuality and flexibility of character. In fact, the word 'character' does not exist for it seeks to define what does not need to be. We can be anything and true friends see that. Basically this all means that within true friendships self-righteousness cannot persist.

More often than not when we think to confide in someone, hoping to share an emotion so as to connect on a deeper level, the response tend to come in advice of "shoulds" and "should nots". The confidante has stepped into your shoes in attempt to be close, but then stepped away with the detached observations of unforgiving analysis. True closeness is not this disrespect to the journey of another's life. It is a connection with the emotion shared, a sensation felt completely, and then both persons let go of it together. No lingering thought about it that can build up to an assumption of the character of the sharing party. This is authentic closeness when people know how to share their lives without invasion.

~

There are many indications to me that I am constantly stressed and how deep-rooted this tension is. I grind my teeth while sleeping everyday, and when I am awake my jaw is clenched down. I play with my nails incessantly and so they are pretty sensitive and break easily. When I talk to people I am generally hyperactive and nervous, and show this either by talking too much or talking too little (usually the first). And I am all of this despite being very conscious of how happy I am with my life.

I am totally in love with my life. I am living my dreams and moving forward all the time, and there are many gifts bestowed upon me that so many people take a lifetime to find. I have found the perfect other half whose very presence unveiled a greater reality to me. As an employee I have had the most amazing job becoming the editor of a creative magazine having a large say in the philosophical topics to express. As an employer I am slowly but surely forming system after system and it is so exciting and real that I am awfully glad I made this brave step in my life. I am just absolutely thrilled with all the things I have planned to do and have learnt and am still learning.

So why in spite of all my happiness, my subconscious is still grinding and picking at my nerves?

I began a wild child, constantly questioning things around me, unwilling to accept the norm to be the easy truth. I did what I wanted to do, felt a lot for everything and watched it all. And my independence was as constantly being watched and stamped out by an overly anxious mother. When I hooked one leg over the other at a young age, she told me accusingly not to do that as I looked vain. Whatever I chose to wear she would overeactively nitpick over it and most times I would have to return to my room to change out of my outfit feeling a sense of shame at my proposed vainness. Yet it took a long while for me to back down. When she told me what a girl should or should not do, I demanded a good reason as to why there should be these differences all steeped in limiting me. We argued and fought incessantly for a long, long time. And truth be told I do not remember a single affectionate moment shared between us during my childhood. All I can recall is a cloud of depressing suppression that smothered me, a sensation that I understood but could not define at that age.

As I grew older I got tired of fighting as my mother would not let up at all. Her way, her laws and her life was to be as she wanted it to be, and that included how I behaved, how I thought and how I am. There was no room for meeting in the middle. It was her way or none at all. One day, I decided once and for all that I did not want this unhappiness to continue. When I yielded it was in love for her, in love of peace and with the desire to grow, for the monotony was eating into me, but that moment was the moment I lost my wild fiery self.

Already I was becoming a nervous child, consistently second guessing myself and making mistakes because of that, and then going into a mood berating myself and the mess that I am because of the whole confusion of action. It was hard not to be like that when my movements are so watched and judged and corrected. It was difficult to make decisions firmly unafraid to fail. I knew my real self was fearless and in events where mistakes occurred outside of my mother's reach I used it to my advantage. However, as time went along and she usurped every space in my free willing spirit, I no longer had this private decision making space, for even there I hear her invading voice.

And today, even when I am filled with happiness and empowered by my own independant lifestyle, there exists this creeping feeling of worry that comes over me every second that it gets too quiet. The now enlarged sense that everything that I have built my life up to could have been a huge, devastating mistake and when I finally realise it, it would be too late, would have me sink, sink, sink into the great dark abyss of endless misery whenever I allow this suspicion to envelope me. No matter how ridiculous this might sound to my rational mind, it takes awhile to get rid of the feeling to come to that rational place. After that the whole sickening notion of why I am still at this state when I have already traveled so far in learning about the transient nature of life will overwhelm and leave me gasping for some form of saving grace. It is just that repetitive cycle of self-doubt and nothingness.

I am still struggling to get rid of this childhood bane. But I have only just discovered it. I only got here because I have finally reached the point where action has shown itself to be the trusting of instincts and I saw that my instincts are covered up by this flurrying nervous energy. And then I connected my tensed teeth-grinding and nail picking. And then I saw how etched in this inner tension was. And so I studied the history of how it came about. But now lies the question:

How do I get rid of this unnecessary and senseless stress once and for all?

~

How I have defined a true friendship is what all relationships should be. The base of any relationship is friendship. Trust and love, and all I have expressed of it. In view of this definition I can choose my friends accordingly but this could mean I could end up with no friends at all, for creating this kind of optimal relationship requires both to be in that mentality and first of all necessitates the understanding of what a relationship should be. Therefore cutting off friends who have not that outlook on friendship is not the answer, but perhaps my own living of that example could be.

With family it is even more so this way, for it is not a matter of choose and cut here at all. We cannot choose our family and we cannot cut our ties. And if only I live my example and let that reign over any other perception, I do not see why I should collapse into a state of tension any longer. As I become more trusting and loving, and naturally accepting that trusting and loving is the way it should be, subtly but surely that world would become realer and realer for me. Which is what is truly important. My reality.

And so I would no longer shiver in a bundle of nervous worries, my sanity cracking as the minutes ticked by. I would be healed with each effort I put into creating my reality. Becoming more comfortable and relaxed as I spin my own web of fate. There is nothing to worry in this moment for I trust my family without needing to analyse, just by instinct and just by love. And I know that deep down inside they do trust and love me the way I know is perfect. Most of all, deep down inside I trust and love me.

Rest, rest.

The restful babe slumbers on in the womb

In the quiet stillness

Its consciousness one with the rest of creation

Yet the separate nuance of identity

Forming and forming

As the body prepares itself for birth.

The activity, the excitement, the disturbance of experience

Cultivates awareness of the external, of which so little is known.

It responds with intense fear, wails at the top of its lungs - Born.

Rest, rest little one...

Fear is just the evolutionary signal to help us survive.

We are beginning a new age now, and your peace will herald its coming.

Our reign as the king lion should come to an end

For we are nearly gods already

Will soon be turning on each other

If our savage selves allowed to exist without reason

This path will only lead to total destruction of our kind.

It is time to develop further

Into a species no longer fleeing or frightened.

That primitive response inbred in us not useful anymore

Vestigial emotions that will be discarded

But how long will it take?

500 years for humankind to learn to return to our foetal depths?

More?

Will we last 500 years?

If we do, will we then wake from the womb thirsting for knowledge

Silent, observant and unafraid?

Rest, rest, brothers and sisters...

We are all the same.

No more fighting and hiding

We have so much work to do.

There is so much to see and know,

So much to love and feel.


Rest, rest...

Let our spirits return to our foetal depths.

***

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/453051/why_selfawareness_equates_to_the_knowledge.html

Bagged & Tagged (Labels in so many sense...)

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

-Tagged by Ghee
-Tagging Jannyfer, Keshi, Sandy Carlson.

_______________________________________________________

I am such a film buff, always excited about a fantastic time devouring a great movie.

I love so many different kinds of movies - all from comedies, indie, book adaptations, horror and so on - but it must all be sincere expressive art pieces and not blockbusters dripping with the sweat of consumerism. Thoughts and screenplay steeped in the whoring of dead souls just wandering around for mindless entertainment.

No, I am not into that.

There is always what is a firm step to growth and productivity of the Self. And there is always that which brings us into a vicious cycle because it is unfocussed and unnecessary... excess in every way. The first one is the balanced point, and the second an extreme position (anything unbalanced is extreme). What is focussed and keeping the point centred is balanced. And what is sinking too much into anything is extreme.

These certain blockbusters are extreme because instead of concentrating on what films are, an experience given by the collection of artists who created the flicks with the intention to share, express and connect... they arrange the movie around the marketable aspects catering to the majority to ensure a high movie rating and sales.

Art becoming a business in this way is insincere and promotes insincerity. It does not benefit humankind in any way and is in fact detrimental. Art which truly is art, when it is so appreciated by the audience without needing such flossing and glossing would then truly reflect on the society as an enlightened, advanced collective consciousness. We do not allow ourselves the belief that we can be that as a species and we show this in our business tactics.

I am thinking about business... about a company's need to maintain a good name or more exactly, its bondage to impressing others and the desire to have a widely accepted good opinion from others.

I am thinking about the labelling and narrowing needed to be done in business... elements of which on a personal level I understand so well the process of which it came about, its reactionary and backwardness. Elements of which I seek to dissolve in myself as noted unnatural perverseness developed through a locked-on mindset of extremism in attempt to shield or decorate the ego.

In every way I look at it, there seems to be no possible way to dissolve the heart of a business from 'impressive walls' or limiting views apparent in advertising strategies. A business exist to connect different groups of people together to generate monetary movement. It cannot be successful if it does not pay attention to keeping a good name and it will not be noticed if it does not employ the generic choices of the marketing team.

And the whole process seems to me like robotic actions done without really agreeing but to fit part of the machinery cycle. Exactly why this coldness upsets me this much is that I attach it to who I am. If business is cold and I own the business, I am cold am I not? And if I am not, then I must be hypocritical.

But yet there is something absolutely natural about it. In fact the business system is something totally efficient. And I am talking on a holistic scale regarding mankind on the whole. The market system undeniably comes together in a complexly beautiful way without needing manipulation from any overseeing source. In a sense, owning a business can be the smartest capitalistic way of dealing with survival issues as quickly as possible so as to then be able to drivenly spend the rest of our little time here on Earth exploring and experiencing the quintessential questions of life. After all, we should already be at that state of advanced self-awareness that knows such a great deal more than the majority of us now do. And I mean knowledge about the deepest mysteries. Of all that we don't know and should always seek to find out. And if we just focus on the point again, and never the runaround, we will be able to see what would be the fastest way to get the survival problem out of the way so as to give us space for the more important. Plus, wouldn't this business creation be a part of 'living' as well - creating and completing dreams? Better than zombie-ing around the corporate world blank-faced and sombrely hungering like the primitive animals after the largest piece of meat.

Learning all there is to know, as much as we can, growing and growing... seems to me a better way to exist. Not working and working for our whole lives, having no meaning to living except to survive in stagnation. Business deals with that for us. It is the most intelligent way to obtain for us the means to truly freely enjoy this earth with all its beauty and magic. Religion has made it a sin for pursuing and owning wealth. This is illogical since there is wealth enough for everyone. This is also absurd because our natural way is to grow and there is nothing in us to stop us from earning more and more cash. Yes, we might have a problem with greed (excess/extremism) as we do with a lot of things for moderation is a level of wisdom that would take a thousand years for some, but we do not have the inclination to not try to earn more pennies except when fear comes in the way... and that is where the church comes in with its eternal damnation.

***

I have to learn to detach myself when I am dealing with business issues. It should always be an entire system I am looking at and not petty affairs of administrations. And not a single one of my decisions should define me as a person. Any quarrels, unhappiness or conflict should be looked at with the eye of spotting what is causing the flaw such that capitalism was not reached. The market system is the best model to look at in discussing why capitalism is the best position. It is the natural position and the winds all blow towards that direction. Everybody is happy in that situation... Balance yet again.

I always look towards nature for knowledge. And in business, the market sytem is the ecosystem of knowledge.